Asswhipping #27.

Not in the top ten, not the top 20, not nearly as lethal as it could ahve been, but a serious asswhipping anyway.

Long before digital anything, a small company I worked for (Literally a husband and wife team) had purchased a video camera. The camera was crude by today’s standards, but it took good video. They took it on a vacation with them where they did a bit of rock wall climbing- they had been away a few weeks and had let their standards relax some, and I noticed his wife’s legs had not been shorn for some time and were in desperate need thereof. As she was wearing shorts it was that much more noticeable, and i remarked, off the cuff, that she was doing quite well at climbing possibly in part because she looked like a monkey.

he proceeded to beat me fairly severely around the head and shoulders with a luxo lamp, and since he was a marine, he had already had a plan to kill me that day, as every day.

he didn’t, in fact kill me, though I’m still fairly certain I have some glass from the fluorescent tube in my scalp yet, and he laughed as he gave me a beating, some of which he did with the lamp still plugged in, combining mild electrocution with blunt force trauma. he was pissed that he’d never be able to look at his wife’s legs again without thinking she was part chimpanzee, and before it was all said and done he helped me back to my feet and sent me off to the store to get a new luxo lamp. Even let me drive his new MR2.

#7 of my top ten worst beatings:

Og’s Mom: “Don’t you get smart with me!”
Og:”How would you know?”

sound of furniture being destroyed and repeated impact with blunt instruments

When I was but a cub

We had these toys that were basically suction cups with springs inside them. You’d jam it down onto a table or flat surface of some kind, and the spring would eventually cause the suction cup to “let go” and the device would be projected into the air.

The amount of time it would take for this to happen varied, but if the surface was non-porous it could take about forever.

I don’t remember what was on the top of these things, but it seems they came under some trolls.. One way or another, the top wasn’t important, it was the bottom, the part that acted as a delayed action surprise.

I had “Gotten” my sister with this thing about a hundred times, but I was waiting for the big moment: I was going to give her the shock of her life. I stuck the popup thingy to the porcelean inside the toilet bowl, under the rim where you couldn’t see it.

Except she didn’t get “Got”.
And I forgot it was there.

Till that night, when a very ungentlemanly yell erupted from the bathroom as the popper smacked my dad in the nutsack while he was taking his evening constitutional. To say he was startled was the defining understatement of my lifetime.

I was less surprised about the beating than dad was about the sharp impact to the nether regions.

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