July 2020

Last week

It rained on my way home wednesday night, like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

Rain is palliative for me, it eases my pain without actually fixing anything. I mean, I guess, other than the pain. And mostly, just at that moment in time.

it is a month since Jenny died. During that time I haven’t thought overmuch about it, other than those times I wondered to myself what was happening with her, or those times I wanted to share a thought, a photograph, a joke. And she wasn’t there. My calmness about her death frightened me a little because I feared I have become so jaded I had died inside.

For twenty years, we shared most of our thoughts, our fears, our joy, just because in many ways we were kindred spirits, autodidacts, we had gone our own way despite it being hard and painful. Often insomnia brought us together late at night and we shared our fears in the iron dark and talked one another in off the ledge, when needed.

I hope I was as good a friend to her as she was to me. I still talk to her every day, and I comfort myself to think she is listening. And sometimes yelling at me.

Anyway, on the way home, around Manteno, “Right now” by Van Halen came on the radio. Not a big VH fan, but this one speaks to me, not least because of the original music video (Remember those?) which is now 27, and old enough to get a break on it’s car insurance.

It was a painful reminder of how fleeting life is and how fast things change.

And the waterworks started. By the Wilmington road exit in Peotone I was physically incapable of driving and I pulled off the road at the overpass, sliding out of the car and standing in the rain as great heaving sobs ran through me.

By the time I was finished I was soaked through and had to wring my shirt out to get back in the truck.

No, I’m not dead inside. But part of me wonders if it would be easier if I was. Anyway, thanks Jenny, for everything. As this Shloshim ends I hope that I have somehow helped you on the next phase of your journey and I hope you have a great story to tell me when I see you again.

Meanwhile the rest of you fuckers take care of yourself. Nobody else is allowed to die!!!

I’m tired of this bullshit.

Look. Covid is real. There is no question of that.
It isn’t any more of a threat to young healthy individuals than the flu. This is well known, and if you disagree, you’re wrong. This is not a matter of opinion, it’s a matter of verifiable fact. All the scaremongering in the world won’t change that. it is something more of a threat to older people or people with comorbidities, but there are known treatments that will allow even those people to survive. Yes, HCQ plus Zinc plus Azithromycin is an effective treatment, and all the scaremongering in the world will not change that. Yes, there are people for whom it is contraindicated. This is true of literally every medication. The medical profession, left to it’s own devices, will find ways around that, assuming that the government does not seek to politicise it.

The mask mandates are not only stupid they are dangerous. if you think wearing a mask is a good idea, let me explain something to you. When you put on any kind of breathing protection to protect you from X, you must do so in an area that is completely free of contamination from X. And I mean, completely free, and certified to be so. Which means, not your house, or car, or outdoors. This works in hospitals because the prep areas are sanitized. Everywhere else, it’s useless. Put on your mask and put a piece of kleenex over it and hold it there for a couple of minutes while you breathe. If you are not already dead, in a few minutes it will become damp. “Droplet theory” is the rawest bullshit. Even if “Droplet theory” were meaningful, droplets dry out, which then means those viruses you are sure you’re trapping get blown out with the next breath. Sure, you can wash the masks, how many masks do you have? How many times a day are you changing and washing them? Let me assure you, it’s not enough. “But some protection is better than nothing!” OK. Take a condom and use a paper punch to knock a few holes in it near the tip. Some protection is better than none, right? I’d ask if you see how stupid you sound, but I already know you can’t, because you already have a list of excuses why I’m wrong and you’re right. And all they are are excuses, not reasons, because they are founded in fear and not logic.

I could go on and on about this but as I’ve said I’m tired of it. I’m disgusted that my freedoms are being traded away because of pussies terrified of something that can be killed by handwashing. I’m upset that I have had to block people I care for because they won’t take off the talisman of their new religion and let their testicles descend again. I have heard every stupid excuse and they can all be crushed by the tiniest bit of logical thought, and nobody is bothering to think, preferring their fears and their false (Utterly, utterly false) sense of security over logic and reason. I’m done. Fuck off. There will be repercussions if I lose my freedom because of your fear.

Just as I was about to get my shit in one sock

I lose Jenny. A couple of weeks in, it still stings. I am still pretty beaten down about it.

The first couple of times I lost people near my age it was not as hard, it think. Suicide, that was hard, but it was suicide. Industrial accidents, well, this was the life we had chosen for ourselves.

To have someone nearly my age die of natural causes just brings that a little closer to home, I guess.


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