Midnight Micturation
Ellison has a post over here about Wee Wee Roulette, and I have to chime in with a post of my own, a bit too long to leave in a comment.
1: never, ever live in a house with a fuzzy toilet seat cover. I was visiting some friends years ago, and stood in front of the bowl late at night, barely roused form a deep sleep by the need for peeed. I stood with my shins touching the bowl, but becuase there was always loud music in the house, never heard the pee stream. Not until the urine had soaked the fuzzy cover and begun to run down my legs did it dawn on me the lid was closed. Fuzzy crapper seat covers are the tool of satan.
2: never leave a condom on. After a late night in a similar situation to #1, I woke and stood in the bathroom (this time having made sure the seat was up) let loose, and walked back to bed, barely registering the pressure of the now-urine-filled condom touching my leg, until I sat on the edge of the bed and it burst, showering my ankles with urine and the detritus of the amorous encounter. Wasn’t even my house.
14 comments Og | Uncategorized
You don’t have the power on over there?
Who wants to blind themselves with glare when you wake in the night to pee?
Both of these problems could’ve been avoided by not getting falling-down drunk before retiring for the evening. Heh.
But I’ll agree that fuzzy toilet seat covers are loathsome. I mean, what’s the point? Besides acting as a giant Piss-Sponge, I mean.
I was drinking on neither occasion, Ellison.
Holy crap that’s funny.
I used to have a problem with the fuzzy cover being too big and it would make the lid fall in the middle of the pee stream.
Not fun at 3AM
I’ve had the same problem as Hammer. The thickness of the covers changes the balance point of the lids, causing them to fall unless held in place. Of course, if you are sitting – no problem. I think a lot of women know this…..
The fuzzy seat cover is but one of many women things that I’ll never figure out in a million years. Like when they put peaches or pineapple in cottage cheese. Anyway, if your bathroom’s that cold, as soon as you sit down, your rear warms the seat anyway in 1/2 seconds, so what’s the inconvenience? And yup, the padding makes the seat fall, but what man wants to crouch over the toilet, holding it up, to pee? Peeing is a standing-up grand gesture.
Potpourri pots (that stuff smells as bad as crap), candles heating smelly stuff in the bowl above it, pictures and artwork hanging in the bathroom, wtf? And carpet in the commode – think of Lisa Simpson’s bacteria culture, where they advanced and invented space travel. A better petri dish of filth has never been invented. I’ve had enough power pukes, blasting diarrhea, and mispees to fully appreciate the wonder of linoleum.
Though I’ve toyed with the idea of printing out “the thinker”, framing it, and hanging it opposite the toilet, so you see it when you sit, as a joke for all bathroom users to enjoy. But I know the shower steam will f**k it all up.
Btw, I’m complaining about the “horseshoe” carpet around the toilet, or, God help them, people who carpet the whole floor in carpet squares. The carpet in front of the shower for your feet when you get out, ahh.
I could never figure out why anything clothlike would be put in/on/around the toilet bowl.
I understand the rationale for cold butts but *really* don’t agree with it. Hygiene issues!
When I was a kid my part of Saturday cleaning was to remove and replace the fuzzy toilet apparel.
Upon unhooking the elastic a whole pile of yellow pee dust would fall out of the rubberized backing of the seat cover.
I guess the dust came from atomized droplets of pee clinging to the fru fru.
Disgusting.
Oh. My. God.
I am seriously grossed out now.
great, this thing wouldn’t take my comment earlier.
Said something about a secret handshake.
Fuzzy toilet seat covers are the devil and you did well in soaking the evil bastard down.
The toilet seats in Hokkaido, where I lived for quite a while, are often heated. The toilet in a Japanese house is often located right off the entry, so is in an unheated portion of the house. So at least your butt is warm. A good excuse for a male to pee sitting down.
Ahh, the Japanese. They take toilets seriously. Got the “wash your ass with warm water, dry your ass with warm air” technology down pat.
More on Fuzzy Seat: several commenters picked up on the biggest problem with the Fuzzy Toilet Seat Cover – aside from its general stoopidity, that is. It alters the delicate balance of lid and hinge, causing the lid to topple over whilst you are pissing. The results generally include (1) Pee-Stream Bounce-Back, as your stream is reflected off of the (moving) lid, and (2) Mid-Piss Cut-Off, as you try to shut down the works to pick up the lid and clean up the piss-splatter. Trying to stop pissing in the midst of micturition is not easy for your average gentleman.