Horton Hears a Hoosier
My favorite Tam category.
People from the frozen north talk about how bad it is there, how our winters are nothing. People in the south talk about how hot and humid it is there, and our summers are nothing.
Here’s the thing: The midwest is home to the broadest range of weather (and I mean WEATHER) that you ever did see. We have summer heat as oppressive (as Jean Shepherd once said) as a 500 lb woman sitting on a camp stool. We have winter cold as miserable and dry and booger freezing as you can get, (once you get below zero any lower number is just more mere misery, -4 will kill you JUST as efficiently as -40, just a tiny bit slower. Tiny) We have tornadoes that will wreck an entire town, or slice through a neighborhood taking out this house but not that one, pulling the siding off a barn and leaving the shithouse alone. We get humidity that is nothing short of misery, rainstorms that inundate, feet of snow. People drive trucks and SUV’s not because they’re cool, but because they often need them just to get where they are going. Add corrupt politicians and horrible roads to the mix, and you have a recipe for the toughest motherfuckers on the planet. People who will go out in horizontally blowing sleet to sit in a tree stand for 9 hours to hunt Bambi.
yeah, we grow ’em tough here. I like it fine. Weeds out the weak.
24 comments Og | Uncategorized
We get a fair range here in Salt Lake; I’ve seen 115º and -15º here in the valley. The rest of the state can vary even more; I’ve been deer hunting (October around here) in the local mountains when it hit -20º.
Amen!
I always say we need to vote for politicians who want high taxes and poor roads. Between that and the weather, it weeds out the weak!
“People who will go out in horizontally blowing sleet to sit in a tree stand for 9 hours to hunt Bambi.”
Hell yeah!!!
One of the few things that make life worth livin’.
yeah, the whole middle part of the country is subject to some damned wierd temp extremes, but the frigging midwest politicians, I think, hammer the nails into the coffin of the merely able. Only the strong survive! This, I think, is why California is in such a mes- they don’t have harsh weather to weed out the morons. So they become politicians. And fuck up everything they touch.
Having lived in IN, WV, OK, TX, AK (Alaska, not Arkansas), and MO, I’d have to agree with you except for the -4, -40 tiny difference comment. Get out of the wind, and -4 isn’t nearly so bad as -40.
Where the hell can you get out of the wind? Indiana is a flat as my ex wife before I bought her big boobs.
Try ducking behind your wife’s boobs to get out of the wind. Hahaha!! Damn, that was too easy…
How Cold Is It?
An annotated thermometer
60 – Californians put on sweaters
(If they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 – Miami residents turn on the heat
40 – You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
35 – Italian cars don’t start.
32 – Water freezes
30 – You plan your vacation to Australia.
Minnesotans put on T-shirts.
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don’t start.
Your boogers freeze
25 – Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitifully.
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 – You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 – French cars don’t start.
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.
10 – Too cold to ski.
You need jumper cables to get the car running.
05 – You plan your vacation in Houston.
Amercian cars don’t start.
0 – Alaskans put on T-shirts.
Too cold to skate.
-10 – German cars don’t start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Iowans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 – Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don’t start.
-25 – Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 – You plan a 2 week hot bath.
The Mighty Monongahela freezes.
Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 – Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters.
Your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 – Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 – Hell freezes over
Polar Bears move south.
_____________________________
Side note: right around the time I was copying down this blast from the past, a tenant of mine came down and told me he wanted an electrical outlet of his changed.
“No Problem†I said. But he protested that he wanted to do it himself.
“Are you sure? I replied. Yes… he was sure.
Five minutes later the lights flickered in the building and he is back to my office in less than tem seconds – all that is missing is the smoke curling out of his ears.
“You want me to do it, right?â€. Of course, right.
I can’t believe Hollywood hasn’t made a sit-com for Student Rooming Houses. The raw material is bottomless…
Lived high in the Bavarian Alps for two years, and over a year in Central American Jungle, so I understand miserable just as good or better than anybody. On the other hand, give me a warm Summer evening and I’ll be at my best.
So the benefit is being tough and coming from tough stock?? Okay – I’ll take it. But it’s still damn cold…
Thank God I had a good excuse to stay in and bake cookies for two days – with Christmas around the corner that’s a blessing in and of itself… Right? ;)
The car expressed noisy displeasure at the temps this morning, but it did not fail me. The knees sang harmony, and also did not fail me. However, they did insist that I take elevator instead of the stairs.
Ice age is coming.
Makes you wonder why they haven’t come up with the reality show: Survivor – Midwest Winter. I wanna see someone lose a toe to frostbite.
Og,
Right on!! Home grow Midwesterner for 41 years. The best thing about dealing with the weird weather is that we have SEASONS.
Merry Christmas!
Steve
In OK, we got most of that. Once in OKC it hit -12, happily for only a couple of hours. And with rare exceptions, 8-10″ of show is heavy.
However, it makes up for the lack of snow with ice. And hitting the hundred-teens many summers. As son put it, “115 on the rifle range, with wet everything because it just rained on you, is BAD.”
-40 will kill you much more efficiently than -4. Trust me on this. You need serious winter clothing for temps like that.
I agree on the heat though. I would rather have the cold rather than the heat to put up with.
The difference between -4 and -40 is bigger than just what it does to the human body. EVERYthing takes a beating at -40. Men, machines and even structures start to hate life when the mercury drops that low.
To be fair though, I’ll take too cold over too hot any day. Making heat is easier to do than disposing of it.
Okay: Stand outside naked for 1 hour in -4. Do so at -40. Then tell me the difference between them. no, wait, you can’t becuase you’d still be DEAD or at least wish you were.
Og, the difference between -4 and -40 isn’t DYING at those temps, it’s trying to live a relatively normal life in those temps.
Guy: You just said “Live a relatively normal life at -4 or -40.” Giggling my butt off here.
By the way…who ever that other “guy” is…he ain’t me. And my schwantz is small enough at room temp…ain’t gonna go out in sub zero temps and wait for it to “turtle” up to my tonsils.
Have to ask him to change his handle to “that other Guy”
damn if he would have had his url up I woulda caught that right off…he used to live just down the road from me… just saw his blog back up too.
I know you’ll ignore my comment… In fact, that’s pretty much why I don’t comment anymore. ;)
But, I just GOTTA say, about this post: DAMN STRAIGHT!
And… I got yer “Yankee” RIGHT HERE!
(Sorry. I’ve had a bit to drink. :))
Why would I ignore your comment, Freddie?