Several years ago, I used to know where a guy could put his hands on a “Real” twinkie. See, the filling used to be bananna flavored.

Anyway, the demise of the twinkie reminds me of the worst asswhipping I ever got:

Twenty years ago, one of my closest friends was a guy named Jon, a guy I worked with and his wife, a large woman with a heart of gold. I loved, do love, both of them.

They were living in Munster and I was fighting through my divorce at the time, and I hung around there a lot. One day, as Jon and I were playing in the basement with his “new” toy, an Apple 2, I heard his wife Cookie upstairs say “Jon watch phillip, I’m leaving” Jon yelleed back “Take him with, I’m busy” by which time she had already left.

later, as Cookie rescued Phillip(4) from the parking lot of the apartment building, I got to witness oneof their usual fights. THey fought constantly, and frankly, it was a riot to watch- because it was almost like watching pro wrestling.

Anyway, cookie is sitting on the couch, eating twinkies from a box, and arguing with john “I asked you to watch OUR SON for FIVE MINUTES” and jon comes back with “I work sometimes twelve hours a day in the filthiest shithole in the world, and maintain an eight unit apartment building. Child care is your job”. Cookie says “well, Jon, I guess I’ll just have to be everywhere” and before I could bite my tongue I felt the words exiting my mouth “Cookie, if you eat two more of those twinkies you WILL BE everywhere”. She beat me black and blue. Laughing all the time. Even later, she said “I cannot believe you came back with that so fast- or that you had the balls to say it”.

Little did she know. Not balls, just no inhibitions. Imagine me hammered. Not pretty.

UPDATE: Pascal wants to know how long before wingnuthead jams those big fucking ears into this mess. Start a pool! I figure 1000 monday AM, because he won’t do it away from the cameras. What say ye?