who wakes at four in the ayem and watches the infomercials about the magic bullet, the sexual stamina supplements, and the knife collecting and whips out their credit card and actually orders that shit.

I do like watching the yoga programs. it minds me of Lilias Folan who did an early morning PBS program called ‘Lilias, Yoga, and You’. it was the closest thing to televised porn I was going to get at 16, and even though she was in her forties at the time, she still filled out a pair of leotards well.

Painfully, yoga pants and cameltoe were still things of the future, back then, so I had to use my imagination a lot, but I have and had an extremely talented imagination.

I do still enjoy giving new names to the positions. Right now they’re doing “Autoerotic puppy” and moving on to “Farting frog”. The funniest is when they leap from “Down dog” (Which I like to refer to as”Take me, I’m yours”) to “Crow” (Which I like to refer to as “Please, kick me in the nether regions”).

In my next life, I expect that I will be a wedgie-puller in a bangladeshi yoga house/dry cleaners, and I will be paid in pre-owned curry, because of the amount of time I spend laughing at these people. Still. If God had intended your chakras to exist at right angles to the space time continuum, he’d have given us extra knees.