Just as I was about to get my shit in one sock

I lose Jenny. A couple of weeks in, it still stings. I am still pretty beaten down about it.

The first couple of times I lost people near my age it was not as hard, it think. Suicide, that was hard, but it was suicide. Industrial accidents, well, this was the life we had chosen for ourselves.

To have someone nearly my age die of natural causes just brings that a little closer to home, I guess.

Still.

On grieving

I am a natural born stoic. For most of my life I have done a pretty good job of reining in my emotions. Occasionally anger has managed to break through but I have not allowed that anger to become physically violent since my early teens. Any more I can stand up and walk off anger most of the time.

These days about the only thing that makes it through is grief. And even then I have to control it. Otherwise I am easily overwhelmed.

The first person I lost who did overwhelm me was my father, more than half of my life time ago. I was a wreck for months.

Since then I have had to carry a lot of beloved family members and dear friends to holes in the ground. It has not gotten easier. I have grown more accustomed to it.

I have not begun to process the demise of my friend Jenny. My natural stoicism understands the depths of this grief and will not allow the reality to make contact with my understanding. I know this information but I can’t let it get anywhere near my emotions or I will be wrecked. It’s like a recent tooth extraction, you know that hole is there but you know better than to jam the tip of your tongue into it or the pain will return.

So I am coasting along on autopilot continuing to live my life and do the things that I do knowing that I hold in my mind a hand grenade of grief. Someday My grip on it will loosen and it will all come flooding in and I will not be able to control it

This is not new, I have had this same experience on multiple occasions, it is a process I am used to. When I have to go through this process I reach out to somebody who is good at helping me to fit that grief into my life in a way that allows me to go on.

For me that somebody was always Jenny.

fuck

My old friend and confidant Mlle Jenny is gone as of July 1.

i still cannot process it.

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