If you’ve everbeen picked up in Chicago for something like, for instance, Driving While Black (DWB), you may have been the recipient of one of these fine Chicago Institutions. Me, I got my first one at the hands of a state trooper, I won’t say which state. None of the states contiguous to the one in which I reside, anyway.<\/p>\n
Whatever the case: A Chicago tuneup is most commonly applied with a Chicago Phone Directory. You grip it in both hands, by the bottom two corners. Since the book is around 3″ thick, it requires that you hold on. Then, it can be applied to the side of the head, but not with a great deal of force. It doesn’t take much. This makes so little noise that it can barely be heard outside the room in which the tuneup is taking place. Applied too liberally to both sides of the head, it can cause the ears to bleed, which is undesireable. Careful application causes maximum pain, but the flexibility of the book will produce nary a hematoma (bruise, for those of you in Rio Linda) to mark the passage of the pain. <\/p>\n
Next, shoulders. Standing perpendicular to the subject, strike the shoulder, being careful to avoid the end of the collarbone. If done properly this can dislocate the shoulder most painfully, again, without causing a bruise. Relocation of the shoulder is quick and painful. Tops of the thighs, ribcage under the armpits, and kidney area, use moderate to heavy blows, again avoiding bruising when possible. Remember there should be no injuries inconsistent with injury sustained while resisting arrest. <\/p>\n
Soles of the feet can be treated in the same manner, and quite heavy blows can be used before any bruising or marking is evident. Subject may be unable to walk for some time afterwards, making the subject walk with feet thus treated will cause him to confess he killed Jesus singlehandedly. <\/p>\n