Neanderpundit

All I ever needed to know about not acquiring My sociopolitical views from authors I learned from Terry Pratchett. This will ruffle a few feathers I’m sure and I don’t care because it’s true. Literally every value that Pratchett expounds on in his writing is wrong headed and stupid. Let’s start out with a couple simple examples shall we?

Men are essentially stupid and ruin everything. One need look no further than the Tower of art to make it very clear that all of the things that men get up to are bad and dumb and cause damage to the world and only by keeping those men under control is the world prevented from destruction.

Women are essentially good and do all of the important good things in the world. One need look no further than the witches of discworld to understand that women who are essentially whores like Mrs ogg are important for everything and without which nothing would ever get done. Women who are essentially hatchet-faced harpies like granny weatherwax are and should be the most important beings on the planet and if they are mean to you you deserve it. The gods are all worthless and play games with the lives of humans unnecessarily – this begins in the color of magic and is a recurrent theme throughout the series. The best thing to happen to criminality is having it be regulated and controlled by the government, preferably by a tyrant whose word is law and cannot be disobeyed. And government-controlled criminality is not only important but vital to the piece of a Nation. One need only to look as far as the thieves guild the assassin’s guild the musician’s guild and all of the others that are implied but never mentioned, all being essentially controlled by a single man who is all powerful.

Banking is a vital and important institution which cannot rely on a gold standard or in fact any standard but bullshit. And the postal service if run by the right kind of shyster is the most valuable asset in the land. It is not by accident that Pratchett puts a con man in charge of those two institutions.

Captain carrot the only real monarch is the only good kind of monarch, the kind that is dumb and does a menial task. the only meaningful police leader is one who is arrow straight but under control of his government and his wife. What color is the sky on your planet Terry?

Sex is indistinguishable in the underclasses (dwarves) and the big hulking muscular minorities (trolls) our only good for grunt work and only develop intelligence under very specific circumstances. Jesus that’s the klan playbook.

Terry was a brilliant wordsmith. He was more than exceptional at developing his characters and giving the stories a connection and continuity and appeal to the reader’s emotions. The books are a set piece that may never be equaled or challenged. But God forbid you start taking sociopolitical advice from this man because he is as obtuse as it is possible to be.

Yet another person who should have listened to Samuel Goldwyn, to whom this quote is most often attributed

“Mr. Goldwyn,” he said, “this is a wonderful opportunity to point out labor’s battle against capitalism. You have a chance here to bring a great message to the people.”

Goldwyn looked at him. “Messages, messages,” he said. “From Western Union you get messages. From me you get pictures.”

Okay look. I know everybody has to use the same grocery stores as me and while I’m not pleased about this I can at least accept it. But while you’re in the grocery store, even though you are clearly and obviously the very worst kind of rude and selfish and ridiculous moron that God ever chose to populate this planet with let’s see if we can try to get you a little closer to the clue button while I am in the store. This will probably help to avoid bloodshed.

Number one. You and your shopping cart are an obstacle to my progress. It doesn’t make any difference whether you are sitting with your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle wandering aimlessly from the left to the right, or if you’ve got your shopping cart parked at an angle to the aisle,so that nobody can even walk around it, or if you and your demon spawn are occupying the entire aisle, you make it impossible for me to get past you. Stop doing this immediately. If you have to abandon your cart even for a millisecond even if you’re going to be an inch and a half away from it, make sure that that cart is at the far edge of the aisle. And don’t park it directly across from somebody else who is at their edge of the aisle. Look around you at all times and if there isn’t room to go past you, move.

Second. Make your decisions about what it is that you want before you enter the store. Standing in the aisle blocking everybody’s way while you make up your mind if you should make beanie weenie or just cold cereal for dinner or if you should gather the ingredients for duck a l’orange, try to decide what it is that you want before you get there and not go through the laborious process of changing what passes for a mind in your community.

Third. Focus on purchasing and not shopping. If your idea of going grocery shopping is to stand around and stare at everything on the shelf before you decide “Oh yes? I need bread. What am I doing in the canned fruit aisle?”

I know half a dozen people who almost no longer shop preferring to hire people to shop for them, or going to all night stores in the middle of the night when the parking lots are quite literally empty. And the clear and obvious purpose of this is to avoid people probably just like you.

So here’s a guide. It may be a little challenging and uncomfortable if you’re not used to sanity but let’s give it a try shall we?

1: know what you want. Make a list if you feel you have to. If you’re very good you can plan your visit so that your list hits all the aisles in order and in the right direction. If you’re very very good you may already have this mapped out in your brain.

2: go to the store.

3: go to where your items are located. Take them off the shelf and put them in your cart. Unless it’s large cases of soda or bags of water softener salt or dog food you should not even have to stop when you pick the item off the shelf and put it in your cart.

4: check out. Have your debit card or whatever you need to pay for your purchases in your pocket or in your mouth or in your hand and get those items on the belt as quickly as possible or if you are a sane human use the self checkout so that you don’t interfere with anybody else’s life at all. Scan your purchases, pay for them, bag them, put them in your cart.

5: leave. Somebody else wants that shopping cart and somebody else wants your parking space get the hell out of there.

Have a nice day!

Prior to this trip I had been to Africa three other times. Those visits involved some hunting but nothing like a planned and coordinated outing.

When the opportunity to take this trip presented itself I was a little hesitant because of my prior experiences in Africa. As anybody who has been there can tell you there are countless opportunities for things to go poorly. So I approached this visit with not a little trepidation. Still my desire to face down a cape buffalo took precedence over my fears . A trip like this has been a dream since my teens, reading Capstick and Bell and Ruark and Foa.

So I listened to the people guiding me and followed their instructions carefully. There was a lot of preparation work that had to be done, documents that had to be acquired and filled and certified. I had to case up the rifles properly and decide what needed to be packed and how. I had to try to prepare myself so that I was at least capable of keeping up.

Luckily I had the ability to stay in constant communication with my guide and pH Siegfried Osmers. I’m sure I asked him a million stupid questions and he patiently answered every one. When I got on that plane I really felt as if every detail had been taken care of.

And it had. Siegfried and Zandre
met me at the airport and held by hand almost literally through the process of importing my guns, then carried my luggage and guns out to the truck and we were off. After essentially 30 hours in the air and in airports the truck and the highway were restful and I slept for a good deal of the trip to the hunting lodge.

I have done tent camping in Africa and while this seems and sounds adventurous and romantic this couldn’t be further from the truth especially if you are not a healthy and nimble 18-year-old. I was relieved and in fact extremely pleased discover that I was going to be sleeping in a very comfortable bed in a very comfortable room with my own bathroom and daily maid and laundry service. Each room at the lodge where I stayed had its own heat and air conditioning. I slept in exquisite comfort every evening.

As an aside, yes I had come to Africa to confront and measure myself against nature red in tooth and claw, and of course horn in my case, however I didn’t see any reason that I couldn’t do this and also have a decent night’s sleep. And Greater African Safaris certainly came through in this respect.

The very first day, jet lagged and thrashed I slept until damn near 11:00. I felt really bad because my hosts were waiting for me to wake up before they themselves had a chance to eat. I tried all week to dissuade them from this practice but they were perfect gracious hosts every moment.

We walked out on the very first afternoon and hunted Impala in what I would have considered heavy brush. I was lucky enough to be able to participate in a little bit of herd management in that we took animals that were either at the end of their life cycle or needed to be taken from the herd for other reasons. In the case of the Impala it was missing most of a horn. Not the type of animal a trophy hunter would want to bring home. But I was extremely excited about the opportunity and pleased to be able to help maintain the strength of Integrity of that specific herd.

On my first full day when I woke up at a reasonable hour we went out looking for buffalo. It was certainly not difficult to find them and again there was a specific animal my hosts had in mind. We were very close to the herd, close enough that if I had a lick of sense I would have been terrified out of my wits. Siegfried and Zandre and our trackers were very much on their game and knew exactly how far we could go and what we could do. I was completely at ease with them at all times because very early they demonstrated their skill and experience.

We didn’t have any luck that day getting the specific animal into the open where I could have a clear shot. And while the walking did not confront me standing for long periods of time was murderous to me. I mentioned this to Siegfried over dinner and the next day they modified their strategy to accommodate my comfort level. We found the herd again and Siegfried was able to maneuver us into a position where I had a clear shot at the animal in question. With my rifle propped up in the shooting stick I hesitated only long enough to ask the Creator to make my aim true and I took the shot. I took a second shot just for insurance purposes and Siegfried backed me up with that magnificent Mauser he carries as if it were an extension of his own arm.

Taking that big 500 Nitro to the range can put you in for a punishing afternoon. I’m a recoil junkie and even I go home with bruises on my shoulder. Admittedly those bruises are canceled out by the smile on my face.

When you are hunting cape buffalo it is different. You never feel the recoil and you never hear the shot. You just look into the eyes of that animal and know that in a couple of minutes one of you is going to be dead. And the only guarantee that it is going to be the buffalo is your aim and the skill and experience of your PH and trackers.

Every other animal I have hunted, when they hear the shot they scatter. This was not the case with cape buffalo, they gathered around as if conducting an investigation into the death of one of their number, eager to visit swift retribution on the miscreant. When the vehicles returned to the area and chased off the rest of the herd I was finally able to walk up and see the old girl, witness the wear of her teeth and see where she had begun to lose weight. It was the perfect animal for this hunt and I felt as if I had done a service. It was a great feeling.

When I return which I will most assuredly do if I can, I hope that there is a similar opportunity to engage in a hunt that will benefit the herd as this one did.

I had really wanted to shoot a warthog with a 357. It just never worked out like that and they ended up all over the place and we never got close enough to one to take a decent shot. Even sitting in a blind didn’t bring us any luck though we did see all manner of other creatures which was magnificent.

The area we Hunted was teeming with plains game. There was never any question that we were going to be eating macaroni and cheese at night. Unless of course I had wanted macaroni and cheese in which case I’m certain that our cook Liesel would have been more than willing to accommodate. And speaking of Liesel, each day brought a new culinary adventure. I have enjoyed wonderful meals on four continents and my waist size will attest to the fact that I am very good at eating. Every single meal and every single snack and in fact even the coffee exceeded my expectations dramatically. And it was enjoyable to have a gracious and well spoken lady to counterbalance a hunting camp full of Scruffy bearded men.