Long before I became immersed in IMTS I visited my MD. She wrote for some bloodwork, me being overdue, and I went in to get the blod drawn. As i left, they hand me this big bag. “Oh, cool! Consolation prize!” I think, but no, inside were three handy dandy buckets and some odd looking frame things.

The purpose of this, the receptionist informs me, are to collect stool specimens.

When they put the “biohazard” emblem on the oputside of the bag, they could never have imagined the horror.

Unfortunately, I do not have to fill the buckets and return them, as that would bring me unadulterated glee; no, I must merely daub samples from different turds, and spread them on the enclosed card. Twice per day, for three days.

Now, I have two meals that I know are perfect for this task, the first being pickled hardboiled eggs with warm Leinenkugel’s bock beer, and the second being Gyros & Guinness, with a side of onion rings. These combinations, even in microscopic quantities, are adequate to cause retching among even the most stouthearted. Any suggestions for the third? Remember, we’re talking aroma here, not consistency.