There’s an old saying that when a dog pisses on the ryan, all of chicago grinds to a halt. ANd today, that was most assuredly true. No ice, no snow, just some water and rain. Not even any standing water. Just idiots as far as the eye could see.

And then I got to work. That, at least, went well. Because of the beating my sweet tooth takes when on Atkins, I stopped and picked up a bag of sugar free candy.

And didn’t know it contained maltitol.

Eventually, I ate the whole bag- a candy at a time, over the course of the day. (only 15 pieces)

And stopped at Jewel for some ice for the brotherinlaw- had his teeth pulled today in prep for a new upper plate, god love him, all his remaining upper choppers pried out at once. Anyway, on the way to the cash register, I experienced The Call. I put down the stuff I was carrying and did the buttpinch walk all the way to the crapper, where I found the butcher peeing int he toilet. I had to wait for him to get done, and then wipe his urine off the seat (the urinal, six feet away, was EMPTY) and then nearly didn’t make it.

Then again when I got home.
Then again a half hour ago. Then again..

Crap, I had to stop just then and go again.

They shouldn’t call that stuff maltitol, they should call it WhaPow! because that’s what it does to your bowels. I stood up to survey my accomplishment and saw what appeared to be tractor parts in there, along wiht theubiquitous atkins salad and circus peanuts. (don’t know where they come from, I’ve never EATEN circus peanuts) anyway, until this shit exits my system, I can look forward to seeing everything I eat a half hour or more later. Maybe I should eat a watch, to see just how long it takes. If Christopher Walken can do it… nah, maybe not.