I’m standing in line at Jewel waiting my turn, and ahead of me is this relatively tall woman with two fairly hyperactive kids. She’s relentlessly pushing them out of her way as they try to prevent her from putting her groceries on the belt. She finally gets everything done, writes out her check, and I place my container of juice on the belt. She says “Come on bobby” and reaches behind her and GRABS ME IN THE CROTCH, and as she does, sees both of her kids at the OTHER end of the counter. She turns to look at me- She had grabbed a solid handful, and looks down at her hand as if she suddenly saw a crocodile in it. She lets go as if it was all of a sudden red hot, and gasps. I smile.

She turns as red as any human being I’ve ever seen, and then I say “Hey, it was the high point of MY day” and she turns even redder. She’s so flustered she can barely get her stuff in her cart, and pushes it out into the lot. Just as she’s about to go out the door she turns my way and says “nice, er…. nice!” and red as ever, leaves.

The checkout girl, oblivious to all this, rings up my apple juice and I leave. After waiting for the Phantom Crotchgrabber to pull out of the lot. Didn’t want her to get in a damned accident.