Tonight at the theater I had to excuse myself to the mens room.

I felt the urge, so I had a seat.

And realized, I couldn’t shit.

Now, we all know that the most satisfying bowel movement is the one which arrives unbidden (when we are properly seated, of course) and those that require stress and strain are less than optimal.

Most of us know, also, that the most efficient prime mover is distraction. Be it the sunday paper, reader’s digest, or the latest Crichton novel, when we’re distracted, the mail moves along ever so much better. The office crapper has a secret stash of Penthouse magazines with trade magazine covers stapled theron.

So back to Harry Potter and the order… wait. Crapping- that was it. I sat on the john in the theater, and because I leave my Treo home when I go to the theater (unlike some other assholes) I realized I could not shit. Lacking anything to read, and the ability to play my favorite Treo games, I experienced blockage.

My god, I’m some kind of fucked up.