So I’ve been eating oatmeal
lest I end up like Glenn Beck- when I realize, shit, oatmeal isn’t doing a damned thing. Four days of cramming this stuff down my gullet and I have yet to have one freight-train bowel movement. I need some corn or carrots- something that will render a good scratching on it’s way out. SOmething that comes down the pike like a jet propelled chimney brush, that’s what I’m talking about. Oatmeal. Phah. No wonder I hate the stuff.
28 comments Og | Uncategorized
Sam’s sells capsules of fiber. I forget the brand — it’s not the house brand. Six of those daily — three doses of two with meals — regular as clockwork.
::shrug:: Worth a try, eh?
M
LOL!!!
Actually, I’m just having fun.
If I ate those capsules I’d be in the hospital in about a minute and a half, in agony. Altered digestive system, member?
Try mixing your oatmeal with coffee. Taste’s Great and the caffeine really gets things moving
Oatmeal’s OK. I like the steel-cut variety; it has more “tooth” and has a nice, nutty flavor. It also gives your loaves a pleasant heft.
Tom is right about the caffeine. I have a couple cups of java in the morning, and then, look out. And a prune or two now and then doesn’t hurt…it’s Nature’s Doxidan.
I’m so used to the coffee it doesn’t affect me anymore. I drink about three pots a day.
Dude… when you finally drop a load, it may be monumental.
Oh, I drop ’em just fine. I just want the EPIC, ASSHOLE SCRAPING CRAP. Not these little gluey poops.
Oh, and you and me both need to back off the coffee. I have the same bad habit.
That’s what they keep telling me. But I get headaches if I don’t drink it.
Maybe I oughta learn to like Cuervo
Just eat sugar free candy in “excess quantities” like it warns on the label. Don’t worry, it won’t take much, and you WILL get cleaned out. Just stay close to Mr. Toilet.
Then, as an added bonus, recovery includes epic farting.
yep, Jeffro, been there and doing that next week.
Sunflower seeds –
eat the hulls also!
they scratch on the way down and are still sharp on the way out. I started eating them that way in my cubicle, got too many negative comments about spitting out the hulls in a cup. Talk about nice fluffy loafs, this will do the trick.
To just get moving and healthy, mix 50/50 ring cut banana peppers and drained sauerkraut. keep in the pepper juice great for a snack or as a nice alternative to a green salad
Ya know, I spent the better part of Monday eating jalapenos. Probably ate a dozen or so of the delicious little critters.
Anyway, my asshole’s had this warm, almost surreal feeling about it over the past day or two.
Did you need to know this? No, I just wanted to share.
And we feel priveleged to hear your story, Dick.
In addition to the sunflower seeds try peanuts in the shell – shell and all. Very scratchy.
I used to drink so much coffee I got headaches if I stopped. It offended my sense of autonomy, so I cut back to the point where if I missed a day, I didn’t get headaches. I didn’t like being dependent on something. I guess you have to have a bit of an overdeveloped independent streak when you get pissed off at a liquid over its hold on you…
I had problems with regularity a while back and I solved it thus:
* Every morning I eat a big bowl of shredded wheat. That provides 6 grams of fiber.
* A slice or two of Milton’s 100% whole wheat toast,at 5 grams of fiber per slice.
* an Activia probiotic yogurt cup.
* One liter of coffee.
The rest of the day’s meals include various fiber rich foods such as beans and whole grains. My goal is 30 grams of fiber per day. I don’t know what effect that would have on your modified innerds, but it sure works for me.
PU,
That’d unclog the Dallas freeways at rush hour.
Just so’s you all know, I’m NOT having any problems wiht ireguarity- in fact, Inever do. No, I’m AIMING for a biblical bowel movement. Something I can write about.
You and your crappy stories. Drop the coffee and over time the headaches quit. I drink gallons of OoLong tea and feel great.
As to epic bowel movements, you need to eat some major gas producting product, for you. In my case it is a denver omelet. After the the shit is measure in feet. It is last resort, however.
In me, a large steak and then about 5 prunes after breakfast the next morning generates a big but fairly painless stool sample.
If you’re looking for biblical, you might try adding a good bit of red velvet cake to your diet.
What’s the semi-solid equivalent of the Red Sea?
Jees, painless isn’t any fun, what good is a biblical BM unless you scream a few times?
Ok, Og, try this:
Broccoli-cheese casserole for lunch (fiber, but it’s held in check).
Modified shepherd’s pie for dinner – half a pound of ground beef, smoothed on the bottom of a small casserole dish, studded with tater tots, then covered with a can of corn followed by a can of undiluted cream of mushroom soup, then a layer of whole-kernel corn and shredded carrots, covered by a layer of shredded cheddar cheese, baked at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes.
Eat that with a BIG glass of milk.
THAT should be interesting when you’re done with it.
Eh… I didn’t mean to put two layers of corn in there… substitute one of them for a layer of sliced jalapenos.
Get thee hence to the nearest KFC and buy a big tub of cole slaw. All that shredded cabbage should form a nice compact bolus perfect for acting like a pipeline pig.
Well, it does for me, anyway…
“That’s what they keep telling me. But I get headaches if I don’t drink it.”
If they’re caffeine-withdrawal headaches, the painkiller of your choice, applied for a couple days, should get you through that.
If your a South Park fan, this may inspire you. At the very least you might wet your pants with laughter. If your not a South Park fan, skip it.
http://allsp.com/l.php?id=e162