It may be that I am beyond the abnormal; I don’t do sports. I have never had even the slightest inclination to either watch, or play, any kind of sports, thought i had the opportunity and was drafted into doing so on a painfully regular basis through my youth.

I played soccer, basketball, some baseball. I got coralled into playing golf. I played football with neighbor kids.

I wasn’t the best at any of these sports, but neither did I completely suck.I probably could have gone on to be, well, something more than mediocre, anyway.

Fact was, it all annoyed me. I didn’t see the point in any of it, didn’t see the point in competing like that, didn’t see the point in winning or losing a battle where nobody died.

I grew up on flyfishing, and quail hunting, and dog running, and rabbit hunting. I loved being in the woods, on the water, loved being involved in the process of life and death and eating or being eaten. I resolved that I would stay on top of the food chain as long as I could. I also loved working, and getting paid for work. I examined sports from either of two directions: A hunt which didn’t end up feeding me anything, or a job which didn’t pay me at all. I abstained.

Watching someone else play a game that I wouldn’t play myself, well, that was just asinine beyond words.

So, to the confession. No, the above wasn’t it, I am not ashamed of my mindset and would never apologise for it.

the confession is, last saturday, between one automobile repair and another, I did something I never expected to do.

I watched part of a football game.

No, i didn’t watch it all, and i didn’t even notice who was playing. One team had red shirts and white pants, and the other team were, oh, I don’t know, gold? Anyway, it was as boring as I could imagine anything being.

So I thought up some things that could make those games a WHOLE lot better.

First, football: This game is potentially the most baffling to me. I don’t get it, and i don’t want to. But, I’d watch it, if they changed a few things.

1: Claymores. Yep, let’s throw in a few mines which get activated when a team falls more than 5 points or 50% behind, whichever is greater. That’ll make sure that both teams work their asses off.
2: Punji sticks. Those overpaid bastards would be a little more careful if the whole field were dotted with hidden stake-lined sticks.
3: Halftime sniper. Someone in the stands who is allowed to take out either one player, or one fan, per game. “Lessee, should it be the half-naked fat guy with the full-body paint and the protruding beergut, or the guy who just fumbled for the 34th time?”

Next: Hockey. This game appeals to me, in many ways, because of the violence involved, but again, there just aren’t high enough stakes. Easy fix: Lose the stupid puck, replace it with a hand grenade.

Golf: What could be stupider than walking around with a stick hitting a little ball into a tiny fucking hole a half mile away? Building multi zillion dollar pruned and preened golf courses all over the country so hundreds of millions of acres of arable land are devoted to the stupidity. Fix? Golf stalkers. Guys who wait on the course with baseball bats, and run up and beat the living shit out of random golfers.

Speaking of baseball bats: That game needs a guy, with a bat, on each base. The pitcher can throw to any of them, and anyone not being thrown at can swing at a baserunner. Make those clowns earn that million dollar salary. And yes, let the batters hit the balls into the stands, and if a fan gets whacked, let him remember to bring his own fucking helmet next time.

Basketball. Sheesh. OK, the tall guy mostly wins. Let’s get those baskets spinning, shall we? Oh, and put a couple of dead spots on the floor, like there were in the gym at school, so the ball sometimes just stops being dribbled and stays there. And sharpen those hoops, so anyone stupid enough to hang on to the hoop after he dunks pulls back stumps.

There are others, but these are the main ones. make these changes, and I’ll bet you see a massive increase in viewership. Don’t believe me, go look at what’s passing for “reality TV” these days.

Actually, on reflection, the only game not in need of an overhaul, is Jarts.
Fuckers. A few people get paralyzed and it spoils the fun for everyone.