I’m up on a tightrope
One side hate and one is hope
I am speaking with an old and dear friend about the job of raising children, and she reminds me how much f a balancing act it is. don’t spoil her, don’t deprive her. Don’t protect her from everything, don’t let her hurt herself too badly. Don’t make her afraid of everything, don’t prevent her from developing healthy fears. The balance between the appropriate freedom and the appropriate control is tough.
There’s also the damage you can do if you do fuck things up.
So i keep walking this line. I have a great guide in the Ogwife, who, unlike me, grew up in a large enough family with a HUGE extended family that she has seen all phases of parenting, and knows what to do and what not to do, for the most part.
I have done a lot of tough jobs, and raising a child is no different, though the end result is far more rewarding.
10 comments Og | Uncategorized
For what it’s worth, it’s pretty hard to fuck up a kid irreparably. With love and good intent, the worst you can do won’t do more than stunt the kid’s growth a little.
I suspect even if you set out to deliberately twist a kid toward evil, he’d be so resilient and contrary as to turn out a saint just to spite you.
They’re pretty amazing that way. But if they weren’t mankind would have died out long ago.
M
Oh, I know of someone who is totally fucking up her kids irreparably. Stubborn as she is, she won’t listen to anyone – not even her own mother. So she keeps doing what she’s doing and the kids will either end up in juvie hall or dead in the streets. Sad thing is, she’s my best friend’s sister. And even he’s given up on her and the way she parents. I am so not looking forward to the day one (or both) of her kids is in jail or dead.
Damn, Og, I’m just starting to learn this topic.
Yesterday morning, I had to turn off the warnings for Alex (nearly 18 months) about not touching stuff on the stove; he was trying to grab the frying pan where I was cooking his breakfast bacon. Had to go “no warning, simple handslap” and he screamed like I’d broken bones – even though his hand didn’t have a welt.
But he didn’t have grease-pop blisters on his hands/arms, and he didn’t wind up with 3rd degree burns all over, as he was trying to do by trying to grab the skillet full of frying bacon.
Fair. Tough. Firm. Logical. CONSISTENT.
That is the best combination I’ve been able to figure out so far. Hopefully Alex will be worth a crap when he grows up.
Just resign yourself to the establishment of a psychiatrist fund, along with the college one.
They don’t come with instructions.
Connie, she gets one or the other, sanity or an education.
Come to think of it….. LOL!
Good advice, in any event.
“Fair. Tough. Firm. Logical. CONSISTENT.”
That’s a good summary.
[observed and verified] Girls can learn everything that boys can – just explain it directly.
[hypothesis] Girls seek male approval. The father is very important. If they don’t get the approval from the father, they will seek it from other males. They will trade sex for it.
I didn’t raise any boys so I don’t know about them.
I’ve not read, but heard excellent reviews, of a book – “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”.
My only little’un is a boy, so I’ve not yet read that book, but it sounds interesting.
Thanks for the backup, Steve – sometimes I wonder if I’m doing it right, but at the same time, I don’t know how to do better.
Here’s an interesting take on child rearing:
http://www.wetherobots.com/2007/10/03/intro-ch-002/
On a more serious note from observing the 3 families my siblings have:
Follow the rules you’ve laid down for the house. If you break the rules, they’ll break ’em (especially when you are not looking).
The more rules you break, the less they’ll respect any rule in general.
My two girls are grown and out of the house. One has two sons of her own.
The balancing act is tough, I agree. Sometimes, I want to strangle them but, at the same moment, I would guarantee their safety with my life. I grin big when I realize that these women are loving, moral, effective human beings, but I also grind my teeth in frustration when one of them makes a choice that doesn’t suit me or their mother.
The parenting never ends. Just as I continue to learn Life Lessons from my parents (long after I ever thought I would!), my children still come to me and their mother for advice on a situation new to them. I guess that this is a measure of success – my adult children relate to me as adults and freely discuss their concerns and observations. My parents to my grandchildren makes four generations learning from and teaching each other. Quite a balancing act.
And always remember: often even a serious pain-in-the-ass kid will listen to words delivered seriously. However, there are also times that even the best kid needs a swift kick in the ass to get their attention.