Ch-ch-ch-ch changes
You know, as I age, and things stay sore longer, and recover more slowly, I question the wisdom of a Creator that put our most healthy years in the beginning of our adulthood. One of the most annoying changes, to me, is the redistribution of hair.
My hair has long since ceased to grow on my forehead. I still have as MUCH hair, but it’s not where I want it. It’s on my back, my shoulders, my TOES futhuchrissakes.
The worst, by far, is the goddamn nose and ear hair. I HATE nose hair, I work with a guy with so much nose hair I think it’d destroy a pair of scissors to cut it out. I cut mine every single day.
The ear hair, on the other hand, is purely evil. I have regular ear hair that springs forth from the lower portion of the ear canal, on the outside. This hair has the consistency of music wire, and is as difficult to cut; I have resigned myself to using needlenose pliers and yanking it out. This has the sensation of giving breech birth to a flaming porcupine.
I also get seasonal ear hair, about four times a year. They get to be around 1/2″ long, and they are silver tipped, black in the middle, and amber at the base.
Knowing I have ancestors from Romania, the existence of this particular type of ear hair does not come as a surprise, but it is somewhat annoying; what if my body is out at night partying while I think it’s at home sleeping? I don’t get enough damned sleep as it is. I don’t know if there is any lycanthropy in the family, but I’m not giving up any sleep for a family tradition. The hair goes. Those hairs, I can cut, but they’re so bristly, if I sleep with my head on my shoulder the freshly cut ear hairs actually poke holes in the skin of my arms.
Let’s just not discuss the greying pubes, OK?
Ahem. If I ever need to get on your wife’s good side (and I may, some day, who knows?), I’ll be sure to tell her that you just compared giving birth to something less traumatic than a bullet to the groin…
She’s watched me pull the hair. She knows.
Funniest line I’ve read in a blog in I don’t know HOW long!
Go read Og’s description of removing ear hair with pliers. I laughed myself silly!…
As you may have gathered from my gravatar, I suffer from male pattern baldness. What irks me is the prevalence of hair EVERYWHERE ELSE on my body. Shoulders, back, fingers, toes; sometimes I wonder if there’s any silverback gorilla in my family tree.
But you are indeed correct: The ear hair is the worst. I don’t know what the hell that shit is made from, but it ain’t organic and I strongly doubt it’s even human…
You forgot one other kind of hair that plagues me: The random mutant eyebrow hair. Every few months, I get ONE single eyebrow hair that grows about an inch an hour. If left unimpeded, that sumbitch would be about 80 feet long by the end of the week, and it’s strong enough to swing from. I’ve entertained mild fantasies about letting it grow really long and then coiling it around my head as a makeshift toupee.
I believe this hairstyle is the one chosen by Donald Trump…
I sometimes get a big black wire-like hair growing out of the top of my ear. It goes straight up. Another one sometimes grows straight out of the ear lobe.
I’ve been tempted to braid my nose hair.
Um. Yeeeeeeeeah. Let’s NOT talk about the pubes.
(shudders)
You had to mention every one of my shortcomings, didn’t you?
My wife said it was wrong that mostly you started healthy but without two nickles to rub together, and as time went on you got your financial house more in order and your body fell apart. She always thought you should have as much money as you will ever have at 18 and enjoy it.