You don’t need a gun.

About thirty years ago, I was at a wedding rehearsal dinner with an old girlfriend. She was one of the bridesmaids and I had just come along for the ride and free dinner- it was at White Fence Farm, and I had just stopped smoking for the very first time.

At this time, all those years ago, it was still possible (and common!) to see people smoking in restaurants, and the woman across from the table was not only smoking, but smoking MY BRAND. The torture was compounded by the fact that she was a flaming liberal piece of shit, and could not stop herself from proselytizing on all manner of bullshit she knew nothing whatsoever about. When it came to personal ownership of firearms, I just about went across the table at her, but I controlled myself. “Why” she prattled on “Does anyone need a gun? Hunting should be illegal and there’s no reason for private ownership of firearms, period” I was about as bilious as I have ever been, and could have spat pure bile, but I simply said “Yes, of course, why let a bullet have all the fun when oine could simply use venom” and here I stuck my tongue out at her attempting to look as much like a venomous snake as possible.

And then I gleeked on her.

For the uninitiated, Gleeking is the process of shooting saliva from your submandibular gland- it’s a little sac which holds saliva under the tip of the tongue at the floor of the mouth. Under the right circumstances, such as while yawning, you can make your submandibular glands shoot a stream of saliva a couple of feet, and that’s just what I did. It hit her directly in the eyes, and she screamed and ran off to the bathroom while her longsuffering husband gave me the eye. The dinner being pretty much over anyway, we beat our retreat. I never did see her at the actual wedding, though I was told she was terrified of seeing me again.