How to travel
Look:
I miss the days when people got dressed to fly.
I liked when people thought of flying as something only the elite did, or businessmen.
I’m extremely displeased that the hoipoloi feel inclined towards air travel. It would alleviate my displeasure greatly, however, if they would simply learn to travel properly.
1: The TSA is an unfortunate fact of life. Until that happy day when all of Islam has ceased to exist, we are stuck with them. Deal with it.
2: “Dealing with it” means a couple simple things.
a:Approach the security checkpoint with your FUCKING POCKETS EMPTIED OF EVERYTHING. TAKE IT ALL OUT, AND PUT IT IN YOUR LUGGAGE.
By the time the prescreener asks you for your ID and boarding pass, those two items are all that should be on your person.
b:Wear shoes you can get the fuck in and out of quickly.
c: Do not argue with the screeners.
d: Do not bring lighters, flamethrowers, crack pipes, sword canes, machetes, steak knives, meat cleavers. Do not bring pointed nail files, pointed scissors, hedge trimmers. Do not bring anything that might be construed as a weapon, used as a weapon, or modified to become a weapon.
e: CHECK YOUR GODDAMNED BAGGAGE. If you’re gonna travel with enough clothing to keep a city block of chinese sweatshops sewing for a year, put it in the belly of the goddamned plane; do not attempt to get it through TSA, do not make me sit and watch the TSA guys search through the pile of size 56 bananna hammocks to find the extra large toenail clippers you forgot you had in the pocket of your shorts.
f: Carryon baggage should be just that, bags you can carry. Do not have a cart full of bags. If you cannot get the bag in the overhead by yourself, leave it home. If you are a 92 lb woman dragging a 115 lb bag of clothes, and expect to be able to charm your way into getting some other guy to lift it for you, leave it home. If you’re 112 years old and expect the flight attendant to deal with the rock collection you got at the Grand Canyon, leave it home.
g: Be a human being. That’s right, queue jumping, elbowing people, being rude, making people’s lives miserable only for misery’s sake, is generating a special place in hell for you. Break from your norm, and be decent.
Go forth and travel. And save me 18a.
The last time I flew there was this considerate group of 10 idiots standing so they blocked a busy screening area (which they’d finally come through) near an even busier escalator. They were totally oblivious to the chaos they caused for a good half hour. People kept knocking into them and still they didn’t take the hint. They then took over two benches while wheezing seniors stood by.
I tell people this simple rule: go through security as close to naked as modesty and decorum will allow. If you’re ever behind me in a security line, Og, you’ll recognize me. I’ll be the one wearing a removable belt pouch which contains my wallet, keys, cell phone, etc. I can remove the whole thing and drop it in a bin in one second. I’ll also be the one who waves other people ahead in line while I remove my computer and my backup computer from their cases. I may have to carry these things around, but you don’t have to wait while I fumble with them (though I can usually get them out in under 30 seconds). And I’ll be the one in shorts and T-shirt, with shoes that can be kicked off in no time flat.
And after I get through the checkpoint, I’ll be the one who walks (stockingfoot, if need be) well past the first set of seats, looking for someplace far out of the traffic flow to reassemble my gear.
UML, I like you fine already.
BTW, I wear what is called a “belt liner”, milsurp, that is all velcro and works great. Keeps my belt up and no metal. $20 at most milsurp places.