You know, I have always had little use for the medical profession. As a rule? they seem to be guessing. I have been through five doctors in ten years, and I have yet to find one with their head fully out of their ass. I dislike dealing with doctors on any level, but here are the “doctorisims” that I find most disagreeable:

1: You need to lose some weight.

Well, duh fucking hey. I weigh 350 lbs. I am active, and strong, but I’m big. Any suggestions as to how I might do this? Oh, while you’re thinking, i have tried every single thing there is to try, excepting surgery and heroin addiction. There is no “diet” I can stick with for any length of time without going barking mad. My body is particularly efficient at storing fat, I can only lose weight around 900 calories a day.

2: Eat less, exercise more.

Eat less than what? it’s not as if I’m a glutton, I eat less than most people I know who are thin. I have a sweet tooth, and it wins some times, but it isn’t easy when at least three days a week someone drops by the office with four or five dozen Krispy Kremes.

Exercise more than what? I perennially have some home improvement project going on, and I work at work and come home and work at home. What sort of exercise should I do? Oh, I also bicycle and spend three nights a week weight training.

3: take this, that, the other drug for your gout/acid reflux/cholestrol.

Sure, and by the way, deal with the side effects, collateral damage. I snore, they prescribed a CPAP machine. Imagine strapping a giant scorpion to your face while you sleep, and you have the CPAP effect. I have muscle aches and pains, they send me to a cardiologist to get a goddamned Angiogram. How about trying to help me deal with those things in other ways; how about giving me reasonable dietary changes that will help with this or that. No, just drugs and deal with it. Sorry.

Maybe I should find an acupuncturist. Look, everyone is different. Some people can eat like hogs and weigh 180 lbs, some people can eat like birds and weigh 350. It’s that category I fall in, and everything I do to try to change that is near to impossible.