I wear heavy pants, heavy shoes, even my special three-way bifocals weigh a ton.

The work boots I wear are so damned heavy that at the end of the day my calf muscles are aching sore. The glasses actually make dents in the bridge of my nose. At the end of the day when I can take off my several pound shoes and my thick safety glasses and put on my ounce-weight street shoes and ultralight titanium glasses, I feel like I can fly, I’m so much lighter.

And then when I wake up in the morning, stagger out to the kitchen to start the coffee, and crank my toe at high speed into the steel toed shitkickers, I make noises that curdle milk. And I invariably do this. You’d think I’d learn, but I do not.