#7 of my top ten worst beatings:
Og’s Mom: “Don’t you get smart with me!”
Og:”How would you know?”
sound of furniture being destroyed and repeated impact with blunt instruments
Tuesday 06 Mar 2012
That’s right up there with,
Wife: “Does this make me look fat?”
Me:”Define fat…….?
Mine(16 yrs. old) to mom: “Quit yer bitchin’!”
Dumb. REAL dumb. Dad thought so, more. The worst ass-whuppin’ evah.
Worse- no driving for 30 days. Killer.
Damn! When I read that, I had an instant parental reaction that included increased heart rate, scowling face, and an upraised hand. I’m not surprised that beating made it into your top ten!
The worst beating of my life was from my grandfather (he separated two of my ribs), but the worst I ever had from my mother was due to similar smartass stupidity.
Now, my mother was 5’3 and 105lbs. By the time I was 9 I was bigger than her. When I stopped growing at 13, I was 6’2″ and 265lbs of mostly muscle and smartass.
Around 10 or 11 she pretty much stopped trying to hit me, just because it would have been a waste of time and effort.
So, one day in the summer of my 14th year, my mother (who would have been 34 or 35 at the time) and I were having a fight in the kitchen. The fight turned kinda nasty, and I said, with a great big shiteatin grin on my face “what are you going to do, hit me?”
So she did.
An open handed slap across the face, about as hard as she could hit… which, for a 5’3″ tall 105lb woman was pretty hard… but I had 11″ and 160lbs on her, and by then 8 years of Jiu Jitsu, and football, and wrestling.
Me, being composed as I said, mostly of muscle and smartass; did exactly the thing you would expect… I laughed at her.
So she tried to hit me again, and I caught her wrist; and she jerked it away so hard she sprained it… me, all the while, laughing at her.
At this point my mother got as angry as I’ve ever seen another human being get… I mean bright PURPLE with throbbing forehead veins and all and I was just falling all over myself laughing at her because I KNEW she couldn’t hurt me…
Oh boy, was I wrong.
See, the open handed slap of a 105lb woman may not hurt all that much… but my mother understood things like leverage, and mechanical advantage, and using the tools to hand…
While I was busy congratulating myself at how clever I was, my mother held her wrist in her other hand, turned slightly, and then spun back around the damn quick…
With a 12 inch frying pan, across the side of my head, with the entire force of her hopping mad body behind it (it turned out to have been hard enough to fracture her wrist)
I staggered back and fell flat on my ass, too stunned to swear.
My mother… all 5’3″ of her stood over me with the frying pan in her hand and said…
“Well… that wiped the smile off your face didn’t it. Don’t you EVER forget, I brought you into this world… I can take you out of it”.
Mom, with cause, “You little bastard!”
Me; ” you’d know all about that”
That hurts from here…
Q
My Mom, a Norwegian farm girl type person, 5’9″ and 185 well muscled pounds owned a Lefse Pin. Like many of her tribe, she wasn’t loathe to use it. That’s why many Norwegian boys learn early on not to be nasty or disrespectful to their mothers (or grandmothers). You ain’t been hit ’til you’ve been hit with a lefse pin. Mom’s fighiting motto was “Only an idiot would hit anyone with her bare hand.” Grandma, on the other hand was a thimble fancier. She put her cast brass thimble and her apron on first thing in the morning. Getting clacked on the back of the head with a brass thimble wielded by a skilled grandma is a real attention getter.
You guys are all long on wit. Smarts, I am not so sure on.
One time my oldest daughter got a little snarky on us and I levitated her to her room to weep the night away. Not much trouble with her after that.
Sometimes old and devious beats young and smart.
Never sass your Mom at the dinner table.
Me: I’m moving in with (girlfreid).
Mom: You’re going to live in sin?!?!?
Me: No, we’re going to live in Herndon.
She stabbed the back of my hand with a serving fork. I looked to Dad for some sort of support.
Dad: Don’t bleed in the gravy son.
I think it is a three way tie for the winning of the interwebs between Chris, Stretch, and Bob.
Don’t have any good yarns along these lines, although grandma was wicked accurate with the old metal fly swatter.
Laughing like only a mother who has delivered swift, terrible, and physical JUSTICE to an adolescent smartass when needed. “I AM your MOTHER, and YOU WILL RESPECT ME!!”
And that was only number 7?
So what’s the story on the top 5?
BGM
Yeah, Og, pretty much–you deserved that. (I think that was your point, though.)
I was never that rebellious with my parents and I never ever tried to fight back when I was due for some “correction”, not even at my worst.
So when I was 16 and mouthed off to Mom one afternoon, it sent my best friend into hysterics to see 6-foot-tall me being chased down the front hall by my five-foot Mom with a shoe in her hand….
(Yeah, I deserved it. My parents were fair.)
I mouthed off to my mother once when I was about 15, and she came after me with a wooden kitchen spoon.
Damn, she had an arm on her.