Look, I hates me a cellphone. In fact, I would not bother to carry one unless it was company-provided. And I must have it for company business, which can (but fortunately doesn’t) happen 24/7.

We used to have Ameritech. They were OK phones but the service was so/so. We then moved to Nextel, little blue phones from Motorola that worked really well. Granted, when you weren’t close to a tower, you had trouble- but in any range, if you had a signal you could talk. The phones were also rock touch- at IMTS in 2002, I dropped my Nextel phone off a fourth floor balcony into traffic. It bounced off the hood of a semi going about 45, and crashed through the window of a dispatcher’s booth under where I was standing. I got down tho the booth, and grabbed the phone, and it hadn’t even dropped the call.

Now, we have Sprint. Sanyo phones. I understand that this was a phenominal cost savings for the company, and for most purposes, they’re like any other cellphone. On the other hand, personally, I feel that there can possibly be no worse phone company on earth. So, for Sprint, I have a few things to say:

1: Antennas. What prompted you to take disused WW2 radar antennae and use them on top of cell towers? This must be the case, because I can STAND STILL IN ONE PLACE and the signal varies between 0 and 4 bars. What the fuck are you nimrods thinking?

2: Sanyo phones? The name in electronics universally known for lame cheapshit? c’mon.

3: The Internet service you offer? Sucks. Sucks more than road construction. Sucks more than Microsoft corporation. Sucks more than, well, frankly, Apple. You change the menu choices all the time, your portals work only rarely, and the only thing that DOES work is Google, which, of course, has nothing to do with you. The phones can’t deal with an RSS feed, and the service wouldn’t be able to broadcast it cleanly if it did.

Rot in heck, Sprint. Hell is probably too busy, for your lame ass.