A democrat enters a convention hall.
Democrat:’Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Democratic National Convention does not respond.)
Democrat:’Ello, Miss?
DNC:What do you mean “miss”?
Democrat:I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
DNC:We’re closin’ for lunch.
Democrat:Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this candidate what I elected not a month ago from this very organization.
DNC:Oh yes, the, uh, the cambodian liar…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
Democrat:I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
DNC:No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Democrat:Look, matey, I know a dead liar when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
DNC:No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the cambodian liar, idn’it, ay? Beautiful purple hearts!!
Democrat:The Purple hearts don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
DNC:Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
Democrat:All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister candidate!! I’ve got a lovely fresh crockumentary from The Fatass from Flint for you if you show…
(DNC hits the cage)
DNC:There, he moved!
Democrat:No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!
DNC:I never!!
Democrat:Yes, you did!
DNC:I never, never did anything…
Democrat:(yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO KERRY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes candidate out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Democrat:Now that’s what I call a dead candidate.
DNC:No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Democrat:STUNNED?!?
DNC:Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! cambodian liars stun easily, major.
Democrat:Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That candidate is definitely deceased, and when I elected it not a month
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
DNC:Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for cambodia.
Democrat:PININ’ for CAMBODIA?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?
DNC:The Cambodian Liar prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable candidate, id’nit, squire? Lovely purple hearts!
Democrat:Look, I took the liberty of examining that candidate when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing at it’s podium in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
DNC:Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that candidate down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Democrat:”VOOM”?!? Mate, this liar wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
DNC:No no! ‘E’s pining!
Democrat:’E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This candidate is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of truth, ‘e deceives in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the podium, ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CANDIDATE!!
(pause)
DNC:Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh,
we’re right out of Cambodian Liars.
Democrat:I see. I see, I get the picture.
DNC:I got a Screaming Dean.
(pause)
Democrat:Pray, does it talk?
DNC:Nnnnot really.
Democrat:WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
DNC:N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Democrat:Well.
(pause)
DNC:(quietly) D’you…. d’you want to give mikey more a handjob?
Democrat:(looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.