The Wild Hair
I wear a beard, mostly because of the eye-watering ugly it hides.
I shave parts of may face to avoid the Eric Clapton look, and for the most part that’s not a big deal.
Except when i don’t shave for a while.
See there’s this one hair follicle that’s clearly a horrid radiation enhanced mutant, which grows a single hair about as big around as a pencil lead. When I don’t shave for a long period of time, it gets long and thick and every time I pull on a shirt or a sweater, it gets caught on this hair, and since the hair is so thick, causes a remarkable amount of pain.
Over the holidays I rarely shaved once. I had no reason to do so, so my beard got pretty wild, and that included the Wild Hair. No big deal, right? shave, and you’re fine. Except for the wild hair. If I try to shave it off, once it has exited the skin, it dulls the razor, and then I cut a hunk of meat out of my face that I could fry.
So you have to pull it. Tweezers won’t touch it, so it’s time to get the needlenose pliers. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to grip this errant mutant with pliers, is a cause of some amusement for the ogwife and oglet. Anyway, I get a good grip and yank, and the bastard pops out along with a large portion of flesh and a few feet of my small intestine (at least that’s the way it feels) and I’m bereft of the SOB again.
At least it’s on my face. Imagine if this was an ass hair? Now you know what they mean when they say “wild hair up your ass”
20 comments Og | Uncategorized
Just use a blow-torch next time.
I get that same hair.
In my EYEBROW.
It grows about six or seven inches A DAY when it makes its appearance. I suppose I could let it grow and then wrap it around my bald head in some sort of mutant combover, but that would deprive me of the unique hell of attempting to remove it from my face. This hair has broken several pairs of scissors, some before I even picked them up – apparently it frightened them to death.
So, typically, I use wirecutters to trim it back close enough to grab it with visegrips.
Hey, the pain comes in handy. Lets you know you’re alive, right?
Yep. Don’t get me started on ear hair.
Imagine plucking your eyebrows gentlemen. That’s not only one mutant hair, but many. And then there’s the waxing of body parts. ughhh
Your post reminded me of The Fly, when he started growing thick black hairs. And now I’m not hungry, thanks guys.
“Don’t get me started on ear hair.”
You just got me started. Why the hell is it that I have no hair on my head, yet am sprouting twin Chia Pet™s out of my ears? Where is the karma in that???
Have you tried a car battery and jumper cables yet?
Not sure if it’ll kill the hair, but it’ll damn sure hurt like hell.
Hey Og, maybe you could let it grow a bit, just until it gets the right curl to it, we could laquer it and use it to catch fish! We could baits it with minnows.
Dragon, I got eyebrow hair you could polish furniture with. Ever see Andy Rooney? Try yanking one of those bastards every so often. Rooted in hell. And the ear hairs- jesus. I have ear hairs that go straight through to my eyes- they must, because every time I pluck one i cry like a girl.
Science to the rescue!
Y’all might consider talking to one of those laser hair places; with the new crop of lasers for hair removal they can do spot work on mutant hairs in a lot of places.
I’ve not had it done myself, but I have heard from a couple people who have and they say it’s not painful. You can go in on your lunch hour, they zap it, dab a little moisturizer after, and you’re done. You don’t look any different, really, but the aggravating hair is gone without blood, loss of flesh, or scarring. There’s also a minimized risk of ingrown hair/infection/abscess as well, which, if any of you have had this problem, you’re wincing right this very minute in unpleasant memory. No pain/no pus is not a bad way to go.
It takes a long time for the hair to return and what does come back is much finer in growth. In some cases multiple treatments over time eliminates the problem altogether.
I’m not sure what they’d charge for a spot like that but it can’t be much, not like they’re covering your whole face or back or limbs or anything like that. (Though they offer that too; I’ve had female friends who have had their faces and underarms done and pretty much thrown their razors away.) It would be more expensive than a bag of Gillette but the aggravation and pain factor would be reduced.
It would also cut down on the incidence of these TMI stories and that would greatly benefit humanity and make the world a better place to live in. I urge you all to make appointments TODAY.
Jenny
PS Cheaper alternative, really good tweezers: I recommend “Tweezerman,” swiss made. Most expensive ones you’ll ever buy, but worth it.
What the hell is the Eric Clapton look? Hae you tried scissors? Or an electric razor/beard trimmer. My wife got me this great elecric beard trimmer for Christmas – $16.99 at wal mart – its like the gadget barbers use to give you a crew cut with a bunch of different inserts to set how long you want your beard to be Best part is, it also has an attachment to do NOSE hair and ear hair!!!!
The eric clapton look is “I’m too lazy to trim anything so I’ll let my beard grow all the way up my face, all the way down my neck, and halfway down my back” I like to keep the cheeks and neck smooth and clean.
I hope you saved it, Og, I’ll buy it from you and use it fer a backscrather. I could put it on my coffee table as a conversation starter. Hope the cat don’t swallow it.
Maybe it’s one of those hair – horn things like a rhino has. Was anyone in your family ever (ahem) “involved” with unicorn?
Jenny, you LOVE the TMI stories, and you know it.
Wow.
That made my eyes water just reading it!
OUCH!
Hell, I thought I was the only person that had problems like that.
Looks like the MicroTouch (even this Turbo version, with “30% more power!”) may have finally met its match. :)
(And yeah, I’m a sucker for the TMI stories, Jenny, God help me. :)
DeWalt makes a little electric chain saw that’s good for such occasions. After a few trimmings, you can just stack the hairs like cordwood. It doesn’t burn as good as oak, but – hey, it’s free. Just make sure you don’t wait until after you’ve had a few drinks. The scars are just terrible – and kinda hard to explain.
LASER hair removal?! Hell, this thing sounds like it would require a plasma cutter to eliminate.
I always thought the “wild hare up your ass” referred to an enraged jackrabbit.