Because I damned sure wouldn’t say blessed, with the ability to turn off most of my emotions. It lets me get through my day without ripping people’s throats out with my teeth, keeps me from losing my mind over the women I have loved and been betrayed by, and, in these moments, keeps me juuust on this side of sanity when I have to bear the burden of losing someone I loved very much- more than losing, even, having to bear the burden of having to have him put down, and the nagging uncertainty of knowing if I did the right thing, at the right time, if I had done enough, if there was something more or different I could do.

So I have it turned off pretty well for now. Oh, I still lose it if I’m alone, and that two or three hours I spend in a car every day is still the time I allow those feelings to take me over and let the pain wash over me.

I understand people who go through this, and decide ‘No more!”. I don’t know if I could go through this again, myself. But I will, because, at least for me, it’s not about me, and my desires, it’s about the dogs. Somewhere there is a dog who needs someone, and yes, I’ll sign up to go through this again, and be devastated again, because my desire not to be hurt is not as important as a dogs need to have a clean, warm place to sleep, a regular meal, and decent healthcare, and above all to be loved. Our last three dogs have been bred, but I think the next will be a mutt, like me.