Just in case anyone has been living under a rock
or have no idea what any of this is all about, here is a nutshell version of the history of Judeo-Christian religion.
Most of the shit we deal with today starts with Abraham. Christian, muslim, and Jew all have Abraham in common.
It is, remarkably enough, rare to find anyone who knows this.
Anyway: Abraham’s wife Sarah can’t conceive. Sarah has a slave girl named Hagar who is Egyptian. She gives Hagar to Abraham, and he has a kid by Hagar, and calls him Ishmael.
In his hundredth year, or therabouts, God speaks to Abraham, and says “Look, forget about Hagar and Ishmael, you’re gonna have a kid with Sarah”. Abraham, a little freaked about the idea of having a kid when he’s 100, (Sarah herself is 90) says “but how can this be?” God says “Duh! I”m GOD!”
So Sarah has a kid. Sarah’s kid is named Isaac. You might remember Isaac as the kid who God asks Abraham to offer as sacrifice as a test of his faith. Sarah sees Ishmael playing wiht Isaac and thinks “Hey, that kid is gonna get all of Abraham’s stuff when he croaks” and throws Hagar and Ishmael out. Hagar and Ishamel and crew get treated like redheaded stepchildren for generations.
Christ comes along. If you read the bible, it’s pretty clear Christ didn’t want everyone to be “Christians” he wanted them to be good Jews. For good or ill, Christ’s followers took it upon themself to be “Christians” instead of “Jews who follow Christ” and here we are today.
Anyway, a couple hundred years after Christ dies, some offhand distant offspring of the clan of Ishmael, calling himself Mahomet, gets sick to death of being treated like a redheaded stepchild. He could go to Jesus’s followers and be whole and move on to bigger and better things, but he’s reeeeeeally pissed at having been left off the guest list at the Table of Abraham so long, so he decides to make up his own religion. He makes up a bunch of new laws, too, that cater to his specific whims and perversions, and writes an unparalleled document of hatred of everyone. He aso rewrites a lot of the Torah (to Christians, the five books of the OT called “the Pentateuch”) to agree with his peculiar notions. Lots of people too stupid to understand the concept of “cult” start following him around. This grows like a cancer around the world.
The main body of Christianity after Jesus dies gradually divides itself into Roman Catholics and Eastern rite. With that much power comes politics, and there are a lot of bad people Claiming to be Christians doing bad shit all around. At several times over the years, different people, fed up with the political way the churches are being run, split off from the various Christian churches to form their own Christian churches, which immeditately fall prey to the kind of political bullshit that they attempted to escape. At each schism, some part or parts of the Christian Bible are removed because they don’t agree with what was said in them. Some, like the Calvinists, intent on being holier than everyone else, convince themselves that the really only need to read and understand John 3:16 and everything will be OK, which was yet another leaders way to get followers- “Hey, to hell with that being good all the time, just do this and you can get out of jail free!” as you might imagine, people beat down their doors to get in.
Any time any human tries to tell you that the creator wants you to do X, punch that human in the mouth. Humans are not capable of understanding the Creator or his desires. Any human who claims he does is not only mistaken they’re trying to divert you from the truth and into their own twisted bullshit. Say no. Make your relationship with the Creator personal and don’t share it with anyone. Let your informed conscience be your guide.
18 comments Og | Uncategorized

You got that shit exactly right! Too bad, they’ll prolly issue a fartwa and blow your ass away. You’re my hero
John
Nice concise analysis. Did you ever think over starting a cult?
Personally I believe that if there is a “creator”, understanding of said entity is impossible because if anyone ever truly figures out the rules then it will change the game…
That’s what I would do if I was omnipotent and all powerful, but then again, I just like messin’ with people :)
Ed: Fixed. Thanks, Grau!
Well done, Og. My compliments on a succinct but accurate summary.
All of which and more is why I’m a Transcendental Apathist.
Cliffsnotes….
Cool.
Actually it’s Cliff’s Notes with an attitude. I love the way you condense it Og.
Hey Og-
I’ve (regrettably) never read the Bible cover to cover. I get all loopy with all the “thee”s & “thou”s, & all that other “ancient dialect” thing.
Could you please blog the whole Bible in your clear & concise modern translation?
I eagerly await the results.
“Duh! I’m GOD!”
Bwaahahahaha!!!!!
It’s about time someone gave us the Readers Digest version of all this bullshit! A tip O’ the hat, Og!!
Og, I’m pretty well-read, & I think you pretty much covered the salient points. Bravo Zulu!
My relationship with my Creator is between me & Him/it/The Force/whatever I choose to call it. A tip of the Mason jar to you.
“Humans are not capable of understanding the Creator or his desires. Any human who claims he does is not only mistaken they’re trying to divert you from the truth and into their own twisted bullshit. Say no. make your relationship with the Creator personal and don’t share it with anyone. Let your informed conscience be your guide.”
Og sums up my religious theory and why I don’t go to church in four sentences. [Guiness]Brilliant![/Guiness]
Outta the park, my friend, outta the park. You have nailed, dead on, why I don’t believe in or trust organized religion.
“Transcendental Apathist”
Charles: Is that your way of saying you don’t care, but that you don’t care in a deep spirityal manner?
Well Mr. Og, it’s like this.
First we gotta explore the roots of certain words.
“Atheist” basically derives from root words meaning “without God.”
“Agnostic” is a word deliberately composed by Thomas Henry Huxley (of Darwin’s bulldog fame) back in the 19th Century. It basically derives from roots meaning, “I don’t know.”
“Apathist” is pretty straightforward. I stole it from a fellow student at Cal State Long Beach. It of course means, “I don’t care.”
A Transcendental Apathist REALLY does not care.
Don’t know about the spiritual part, though I suspect I don’t care about that either.
One quote I like…
“If God is dead, then he probably got his throat cut by Occam’s Razor.”
LOL! Actually, having had Latin and greek jammed down my throat at an early age, I grokked the meanings of the words, but had just never heard them used together like that. A transcendentalist being someone whose thoughts transcend the ordinary, an apathist someone who doesn’t care. Almost everyone is an apathist, about something, but I figured a transcendental apathist someone who doesn’t care but doesn’t care at a zen-enlightened level. Nicely put.
One and only one gripe — which reinforces your thesis.
The Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity in 312 AD. Christianity became the official religion of the Empire in 324.
Mohammed was born in 571 AD and founded Islam in the period between 522 and 532.
In other words, your timeline misses one point — Mohammed was a whiny spoilsport along with everything else in your indictment.
Do I get a fartwa?
M
Oops! That’s between 622 and 632.
(WHO can’t count with his shoes on?)
M
Oh, I know the timeline, and yes, you’re right, but I didn’t consider the dates cogent to the point. Remember, this is Religion for dummies 101.
Perhaps if Genesis had started out as … “It was a dark and stromy void” That would have given the deep thinkers sooo much to get their knickers in a knot over (How can a void be dark and stormy??). And would have given those first six words their proper due.
And great job … you could always do the black and yellow cover and call it the *Bible for Dummies*.