Okay look. I know everybody has to use the same grocery stores as me and while I’m not pleased about this I can at least accept it. But while you’re in the grocery store, even though you are clearly and obviously the very worst kind of rude and selfish and ridiculous moron that God ever chose to populate this planet with let’s see if we can try to get you a little closer to the clue button while I am in the store. This will probably help to avoid bloodshed.

Number one. You and your shopping cart are an obstacle to my progress. It doesn’t make any difference whether you are sitting with your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle wandering aimlessly from the left to the right, or if you’ve got your shopping cart parked at an angle to the aisle,so that nobody can even walk around it, or if you and your demon spawn are occupying the entire aisle, you make it impossible for me to get past you. Stop doing this immediately. If you have to abandon your cart even for a millisecond even if you’re going to be an inch and a half away from it, make sure that that cart is at the far edge of the aisle. And don’t park it directly across from somebody else who is at their edge of the aisle. Look around you at all times and if there isn’t room to go past you, move.

Second. Make your decisions about what it is that you want before you enter the store. Standing in the aisle blocking everybody’s way while you make up your mind if you should make beanie weenie or just cold cereal for dinner or if you should gather the ingredients for duck a l’orange, try to decide what it is that you want before you get there and not go through the laborious process of changing what passes for a mind in your community.

Third. Focus on purchasing and not shopping. If your idea of going grocery shopping is to stand around and stare at everything on the shelf before you decide “Oh yes? I need bread. What am I doing in the canned fruit aisle?”

I know half a dozen people who almost no longer shop preferring to hire people to shop for them, or going to all night stores in the middle of the night when the parking lots are quite literally empty. And the clear and obvious purpose of this is to avoid people probably just like you.

So here’s a guide. It may be a little challenging and uncomfortable if you’re not used to sanity but let’s give it a try shall we?

1: know what you want. Make a list if you feel you have to. If you’re very good you can plan your visit so that your list hits all the aisles in order and in the right direction. If you’re very very good you may already have this mapped out in your brain.

2: go to the store.

3: go to where your items are located. Take them off the shelf and put them in your cart. Unless it’s large cases of soda or bags of water softener salt or dog food you should not even have to stop when you pick the item off the shelf and put it in your cart.

4: check out. Have your debit card or whatever you need to pay for your purchases in your pocket or in your mouth or in your hand and get those items on the belt as quickly as possible or if you are a sane human use the self checkout so that you don’t interfere with anybody else’s life at all. Scan your purchases, pay for them, bag them, put them in your cart.

5: leave. Somebody else wants that shopping cart and somebody else wants your parking space get the hell out of there.

Have a nice day!