Neanderpundit

Fiona claims she does, but that’s just because she doesn’t know me.

A long, long time ago, after my voice changed the SECOND time, I was told I might- if i worked very hard- be a tolerable tenor.

That wasin the neighborhood of 280,000 Pall Malls ago. My voice is bad, and nothing is going to make it good again. And it’s not like I was going to be Mario Lanza, or even, for that matter, Pavarotti.

So I never paid much attention. And I still sing- though it actually causes me pain, if i do long and loud enough. But in my car, while driving, it’s not a big deal.

Apparently I sing in my sleep, sometimes, just under my breath. According to the Ogwife. Only at… erm, certain times.

55 miles of black ice. I don’t think I was in control fothe car for 10 percent of the trip home. My buttcheeks are so clenched you couldn’t drive a pin up my ass wiht a jackhammer.

Anyone who has met me knows I wear black, most of the time. No, I’m not some freaky ninja wannabe, nor do I try to emulate Johnny Cash. (though one could do worse) I wear black predominantly because I’m hip deep in life most of the time, often headfirst. I’m always working on something and the black helps hide the stains of my travails.

There are drawbacks. It’s not a good idea to wear black in winter (black is a warm weather survival color, it dissipates heat too quickly in cold) so I get cold easily.

But the worst is the crappers.

Most public crappers have photosensors. You stand, the sensor sees that you’re gone, and flushes.

Escept with black shirts. With a black shirt, the sensor doesn’t work in retro-reflective mode, it sees a blockage, and then any motion or reflected light causes the flush.

So about every time I use the crapper in a public spot- like an airport- I have to be real careful lest the boys are a dangling and I lean forward a bit, the crapper flushes prematurely, my backside is treated to a fine spray of asswater, and if I don’t catch it in time, the boys get dunked.

I have found that some have timers- they won’t let them reflush right away if you manually flush- but that doesn’t always give you enough time. And I already detest touching anything in a public john as it is.

Maybe I should hang an ass gasket over my back as I sit down.