Neanderpundit

I was afflicted, for many years, with what can only be referred to as Rover Fever.

My 1967 Land Rover series vehicle was the love of my automotive life for many years, though she spent most of her time in the yard acting as an extra garden shed.

There are some things you should know if you have any intention to buy or drive a Land Rover.

Don’t.

No, just don’t. The newer Discos or Freelanders are money pits when used, and not much better when new. The parts are expensive, the engineering is laughable, the breakdown is frequent, the clusterfucks abound. Don’t get me STARTED on the steering.

My 109 series rover was a “real” rover, it had a tire on the bonnet. it had the suspension of a truck. What else? everything leaked, things broke easily, it often had electrical fires, the steering was as useful in guiding the thing down the road as divining, and the noise the straight gears made obviated the need for any kind of radio. I have had more pleseant driving experiences bungee corded to the top of a bus in the rain.

Repairing a broken axle invariably occurred in the mud, the brakes made subtle but poignant efforts at dragging the vehicle to some semblance of “stationary” and the gearshifts- there were five such devices- took some getting used to.

I miss mine. I miss the way hitting a bump felt like having a stevedore hit you in the small of the back with a spade. I miss the smell of the battery lead burning off it’s insulation for the umpteenth time, I miss the smell of the engine baking the tire on the hood right in front of the only vents.

I don’t miss it badly enough to get another one, though.

If you’re looking at a Disco or a Freelander or god forbid a Range Rover, get a damned jeep. The parts are cheaper, and it will last longer and run better. The momentary pleasure you’ll have in pride of ownership will be eclipsed the first time it strands you along the road, which will be on the way home from the dealership.

yes, the Rover is a serious 4wd vehicle, and yes, they do offroad like few other things, but if you’re really serious about 4wd get a G wagon, the cachet is better, and the vehicle is nicer, and might actually run for ten miles without major repairs.

Still, theres something about the romance of a real Land Rover that makes them a hoot to drive.

I HATE that phrase, and when playing buzzword bingo I always use my fountain pen to wet the square with that one in until it tears out of the paper.

But here’s a classic case of it.

Not too horribly long ago, if you needed to have some body work done to your car, there were any number of small body shops that could take care of you. Our best local guy was a slight Japanese man named Kenny Hirata, but there were a thousand shops, because Auto Body is more art than skill, and everyone thought they could do it. Mostly, everyone was wrong, at least at first, but eventually even the teenage kid who hung a shingle in front of his mother’s garage and filled her washing machine with bondo dust got to the point where he could do an acceptable paint job. You went down to the Auto parts store, and the guy there mixed the lacquer or enamel based on the VIN number of your car, and hopefully got it right, and voila! Your drivers door looked almost like it did before, and that run will buff right out, come see me in a month.

The Ogwife used to be a mixer/delivery girl for one of the better local paint suppliers, a place that’s been in business a hundred years (Literally!).

Alas, no more. Dick White has retired. Hank Van Dyke as well, though his son still shoots the occasional car. I don’t think any of trhe local shops I remember have painted a car themselves in years. The hoardes of roaming alcoholic pinstripers with their little box of freakishly long brushes and the pile of Ed Roth pinstripe pictures in the trunk have faded into the past. (Kenny Hirata’s son, incidentally, is still laying down color)

Now, the Corporate culture has taken over, and if you want your insurance claim handled by a local shop instead of one of the conglomerate nationwide shops, you’re gonna have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed, and good luck trying that.

The very NEXT thing will be robotic systems. Most cars are now single-robot painted, and shops are already springing up that use robotic paint, the mix is done literally at the nozzle of the gun and the bot uses the paint program from the factory, so that the exact amount and color of paint is laid down in exactly the way it was done at the factory when the car was new. Of course, that won’t help your 57 chevy, but hey.

Hopefully I never have the need, anytime soon, to take my car to CARS collision center, but if I ever do, I’m sure they’ll do a fine job, but it’s a loss, to me. Like the difference between the local pharmacist and CVS.

One way or another, if i hear that blasted “Driving in my car beep beep” Gerber Collision and Glass commercial again anytime soon, I’m gonna hurt someone.

will I ever deliberately own a Nissan Juke.

Like I’m the only person to look at it and think “Nissan Joke”

My god, what an ugly POS.