Neanderpundit

“What?”
GOOD AFTERNOON. IT IS PLEASANT TO SEE YOU.
“I’m not sure if I can say the same thing. Are you who I expect you are? ”
INDEED. AND NOW IF YOU WOULD GET ON BOARD…
“On bo… That’s a black Routemaster, that is. Who are all those people?”
THERE IS ONLY YOU.
“But…” (points at the bus, filled to capacity)
YOU. IF YOU LOOK TOWARDS THE BACK YOU CAN SEE A WIZZARD, SCRAWNY BY WIZARD STANDARDS, COWERING WITH ONLY HIS EYES AND HAT VISIBLE ABOVE THE WINDOWSILL. THAT IS RINCEWIND-YOU. FRIGHTENED AND UNSURE OF YOURSELF, NOT CERTAIN WHERE YOUR DESTINY LIES.
“And next to him?”
LAVAEOLUS. I’M SURE YOU CAN WORK THAT OUT FOR YOURSELF. THAT SHOULD ALSO EXPLAIN THE REST OF THAT ROW FOR YOU.
“er, yes, I see. The man with the big mustache and bigger teeth?”
RIDCULLY-YOU. BRASH AND OVERFLOWING SELF ASSURANCE. CONFIDENT THAT IF YOU YELL AT THE RIGHT PEOPLE EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT FINE.
“And the women sitting directly above him?”
SURELY YOU RECOGNIZE ESMERELDA WEATHERWAX-YOU. ANTISOCIAL AND GRUMPY, STILL MANAGING TO IMPROVE THE LIVES OF ALL AROUND HER. THAT WILL ALSO EXPLAIN THE TOOTHLESS ONE USING ALL THE SEAT WEATHERWAX IS NOT OCCUPYING. AND THE LARGE ONE IN FRONT OF THEM IS AGNES-YOU, POSESSED OF SOME SPECTACULAR TALENT BUT TOO SELF EFFACING TO POINT IT OUT TO ANYONE.
“I see. The skeleton thin man in the very front lower seat by himself must be Lord Vetnari-me?”
HE IS NOT ALONE. WUFFLES SNORES LOUDLY ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM. WUFFLES ALSO BREAKS WIND, I FEAR.I MYSELF AM NOT AFFECTED. I HAVE SEATED HARRY KING-YOU BEHIND HIM; I FEEL THIS IS THE BEST ARRANGEMENT.
“And the girl upstairs with her nose pressed against the front windscreen?”
TIFFANY ACHING-YOU. WISE BEYOND HER YOUNG YEARS, KNOWLEDGEABLE ENOUGH TO BE JADED BUT YOUNG ENOUGH TO STILL LOOK AT THE WORLD IN WIDE-EYED WONDER. SHE IS THE VERY BEST YOU, YOU KNOW. I SORELY FEEL THE LACK OF TEAR DUCTS, READING OF HER. Death turned away a moment, then turned back composed again.
“These people were all losely based on someone I met, or knew, they are not me.”
YOU MADE THEM YOU. THEY BEGAN AS SHELLS AND YOU FILLED THEM WITH YOUR SOUL, MAKING EACH ONE A CREATURE TO WHOM SOMEONE COULD BE SYMPATHETIC. EVEN A TOFFEE NOSED PUSTULE ENCRUSTED REFLECTION OF A WELL KNOWN LITERARY CRITIC WHO HAS TO CARRY DOCUMENTS TO PROVE HIS HUMANITY.
“Who, the critic or the character?”
YOU’RE THE WRITER. FIGURE IT OUT. NOW IF YOU WOULD PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP, I HAVE A SEAT RIGHT BEHIND ME IN FRONT SET ASIDE. WE NEED TO GET BACK TO THE HOUSE, BINKY IS WAITING AND HE WILL BE VERY UPSET IF YOU DON’T ALL TAKE A RIDE.

“I am looking forward to it. Are those Nac Mac Feagle?”
YES THEY ARE AND.. WAIT, YOU FOOLS, YOU CANNOT EAT THE TIRES ON THE BUS, AND HEADBUTTING THEM WILL ONLY RESULT… SEE? FOR SUCH TINY CREATURES THEY CERTAINLY ARE PERSISTENTLY ANNOYING. IF I EVER MEET THE DEATH OF FEEGLES I WILL THRASH HIM SOUNDLY FOR PERPETRATING THIS NUISANCE UPON ME. SHALL WE GO?

With my thanks and sincerest apologies to the unequalled master. Thank you for it all, Sir Terry.

The work I do is like that; I spend a lot of time moving from place to place solving otherwise insoluble problems.

The europeans, specifically, who we have come to represent in the last couple of years, have brought documentation to a new art; the wiring diagrams and component documentation has developed enough density that it has crossed an event horizon of complexity from which no actual information can escape. I am a middling troubleshooter; I have been doing so for a long time. I ALWAYS WIN. One way or another.

And I cannot troubleshoot these machines. The europeans can’t either, they just swap parts until it starts workng again. I refuse to force the customer to give me carte blanche to buy whatever parts I THINK might be broke until I find the one he needs.

So far I have been lucky, and I hope my luck holds out. What I wish, is that there were a young punk out there, who has carved my name into a round, and is looking to best me.

But there isn’t. G-d help us.