Neanderpundit

To the left, in the blogroll, click (when you’re finished reading this) “hog on ice“. the link actually goes to his old domain, “little tiny lies“. He paid for that domain, and I’m here to make sure he gets every single visitor he can. Soon, the domain will expire and I’ll re-blogroll him, but in the meantime, use it up while it lasts. Not fair that his money should be wasted. Get’em while they’re hot! If you want to be boring and go directly to his site, click here Or just go directly to the post about making fart noises on marvin’s belly.

Suck, and they suck more than the vacuum of intergalactic space. All of it, at once. Face it, you can’t get there from here, wherever there is. And it’s all due to the wonderful planning of road construction companies and the municipalities that employ them.

It now takes me, on average, 4.5 hours, roundtrip. To go 110 miles, 55 each way. Not a day goes by that I do not have the overwhelming urge to grab ten or twelve construction workers, tie them to my trailer hitch, and drag them through traffic at high speed, paying particular attention to the areas rife with potholes that are NOT BEING REPAIRED while PERFECTLY GOOD SECtIONS OF ROAD ARE DESTROYED AND REBUILT.

I know its not their fault entirely, it is the brainchild of morons who schedule these projects lest their budgets be cut.

Cut their budgets. Fuck them. Fuck them with a ben-gay soaked saguaro cactus. Fuck them with a flaming porcupine. Fuck the morons who decided that the 83rd street toll plaza (which has JUST BEEN FINISHED IN THE LAST YEAR) needs to be torn apart six lanes wide for two miles in each direction so that they can put in a high speed Ipass. There is nobody on planet earth I despise more than the morons responsible for the 5.3 million dollar congestion relief plan put in place by the Illinois Tollway System,. and I have to say, right now, I have thoughts unbecoming a christian. Shit, I have thoughts unbecoming a Nazi; i keep thinking thoughts of protracted disembowling and deep frying epithelial nerves with boiling safflower oil to make a sort of “blooming idiot” (like a “blooming onion” only you do it to an idiot)who only requires the right sauce to be unspeakably toothsome. I bet that would really, really hurt, and I hope I can do the whole epithelium without causing death.

Shit, was that out loud? Sorry. Hey, a guy has to have his dreams.

All in all? Dibney is an immaculate place. Clean shaven kids in uniforms walk around the park all day with dustbins picking up errant gum wrappers. This is not to say you can’t find filth, in the corners and under tables in dining areas, where ducks gather looking for handouts, where squirrels and lizards scavenge discarded wrappers seeking traces of cold greasy french fries.

Agents who oppoose the Dibney empire are there daily sprinkling those areas of filth with traces of a powder called Musttouchuim, an element refined from the ore Attractolite. Musttouchium is one of the trans-300 elements like Illyrium, and it has a respectable half-life, so all day, all over Dibney, you can see toddlers queing up to touch areas of filth that disgust even the strongest stomach. They can’t help it, the all powerful magnetisim of musttouchuim drags their fingers to it as inexorably as a tornado to a trailer park, and they are powerless to resist. Thankfully, Dibney has plenty of washrooms.

For some reason, the enemies of Dibney also sprinkle musttouchium on the handrails and chains leading to rides. At that height, even teenagers are affected, because you regularly see older kids hanging on these rails and chains, and we often had to rescue the oglet from heeling over backwards while balanced on a chain. I have never met nor seen any of these enemy Dibney agents, but I suspect them to be employees of competing bemusement parks.