Neanderpundit

Cue Stevie Wonder

Freddie is talking about superstitions and their effect on her life.

As a child of romanian/hungarian/german extraction, whose grandparents I clearly remember, I witnessed my own share of superstitions. And saw things that can’t be explained by science, saw them with my own eyes.

I saw my gramma stop the bleeding of an open blood vessel on my dad’s leg, by praying and nothing else.

I saw my uncle get a burn on his hand that went to the bone, and saw my aunt do something to it, and the burn healed without even a scar.

I saw my grandfather call down lightning from a clear sky. Saw it hit a tree and split the tree from tip to root.

My dad picked a dog from a litter (a peke/toy manchester mutt we called Lucky) and called it a “wart dog”. THe dog would lick a wart on your hand or arm, and in a couple days, it would be gone. Without a trace. People would come by the house to have warts licked by this dog.

I asked about these things, wondered how these family members knew how to do these things. I never got any good answers.

I’m not without some of those skills. I can dowse, and more than once I’ve helped someone pinpoint the location of a septic tank or water line. I can split cordwood cleaner than anyone i know because I can read woodgrain. I have a feel for mechanical things like few people I know.

Superstitions? faith healing? no idea. What I do have, is the belief that there are things we don’t understand- yet- but I also know that when the answer to those things is found, it will be perfectly scientific.

If you’ve everbeen picked up in Chicago for something like, for instance, Driving While Black (DWB), you may have been the recipient of one of these fine Chicago Institutions. Me, I got my first one at the hands of a state trooper, I won’t say which state. None of the states contiguous to the one in which I reside, anyway.

Whatever the case: A Chicago tuneup is most commonly applied with a Chicago Phone Directory. You grip it in both hands, by the bottom two corners. Since the book is around 3″ thick, it requires that you hold on. Then, it can be applied to the side of the head, but not with a great deal of force. It doesn’t take much. This makes so little noise that it can barely be heard outside the room in which the tuneup is taking place. Applied too liberally to both sides of the head, it can cause the ears to bleed, which is undesireable. Careful application causes maximum pain, but the flexibility of the book will produce nary a hematoma (bruise, for those of you in Rio Linda) to mark the passage of the pain.

Next, shoulders. Standing perpendicular to the subject, strike the shoulder, being careful to avoid the end of the collarbone. If done properly this can dislocate the shoulder most painfully, again, without causing a bruise. Relocation of the shoulder is quick and painful. Tops of the thighs, ribcage under the armpits, and kidney area, use moderate to heavy blows, again avoiding bruising when possible. Remember there should be no injuries inconsistent with injury sustained while resisting arrest.

Soles of the feet can be treated in the same manner, and quite heavy blows can be used before any bruising or marking is evident. Subject may be unable to walk for some time afterwards, making the subject walk with feet thus treated will cause him to confess he killed Jesus singlehandedly.

Perhaps not as permanent as, say, an icepick, but every bit as effective.

Wake up.

Chew dad’s head

Go outside, roll in wet grass, run around

Come inside. Pee.

eat cat until 11:00. Try to make the cat make that funny noise again that sounds like a cement mixer full of weasels

sleep.

Sleep.

Eat a sock.

sleep.

Wake up, make noises like I have to go outside.

Go outside. Roll in wet grass.

Come inside. Pee.

spread the sunday edition of the hammond times across the livingroom floor. Reduce to 1″ squares.

Eat the cat.

sleep

sleep

chase the empty pop bottle across the floor, making the most noise a 6 lb dog can make.

sleep

sleep

chew on dad’s head

go to sleep with my belly against dad’s head.