Neanderpundit

If you’ve everbeen picked up in Chicago for something like, for instance, Driving While Black (DWB), you may have been the recipient of one of these fine Chicago Institutions. Me, I got my first one at the hands of a state trooper, I won’t say which state. None of the states contiguous to the one in which I reside, anyway.

Whatever the case: A Chicago tuneup is most commonly applied with a Chicago Phone Directory. You grip it in both hands, by the bottom two corners. Since the book is around 3″ thick, it requires that you hold on. Then, it can be applied to the side of the head, but not with a great deal of force. It doesn’t take much. This makes so little noise that it can barely be heard outside the room in which the tuneup is taking place. Applied too liberally to both sides of the head, it can cause the ears to bleed, which is undesireable. Careful application causes maximum pain, but the flexibility of the book will produce nary a hematoma (bruise, for those of you in Rio Linda) to mark the passage of the pain.

Next, shoulders. Standing perpendicular to the subject, strike the shoulder, being careful to avoid the end of the collarbone. If done properly this can dislocate the shoulder most painfully, again, without causing a bruise. Relocation of the shoulder is quick and painful. Tops of the thighs, ribcage under the armpits, and kidney area, use moderate to heavy blows, again avoiding bruising when possible. Remember there should be no injuries inconsistent with injury sustained while resisting arrest.

Soles of the feet can be treated in the same manner, and quite heavy blows can be used before any bruising or marking is evident. Subject may be unable to walk for some time afterwards, making the subject walk with feet thus treated will cause him to confess he killed Jesus singlehandedly.

Perhaps not as permanent as, say, an icepick, but every bit as effective.

Wake up.

Chew dad’s head

Go outside, roll in wet grass, run around

Come inside. Pee.

eat cat until 11:00. Try to make the cat make that funny noise again that sounds like a cement mixer full of weasels

sleep.

Sleep.

Eat a sock.

sleep.

Wake up, make noises like I have to go outside.

Go outside. Roll in wet grass.

Come inside. Pee.

spread the sunday edition of the hammond times across the livingroom floor. Reduce to 1″ squares.

Eat the cat.

sleep

sleep

chase the empty pop bottle across the floor, making the most noise a 6 lb dog can make.

sleep

sleep

chew on dad’s head

go to sleep with my belly against dad’s head.

Ever have one of those, er, movements, when you are sure you’re finished, and you’re wrapping up the paperwork, and the action of contacting the orifice of discharge with the asswipe engages the peristalsis anew? As if there’s a reset button up there, futhuchrissakes. Been happening a lot lately. Wonder if it’s the new Purina Bachelor Chow.