I spent some time in Ohio, where there is a large Japanese population. And sumo on TV all the time. I loved it. Sumo is the one martial art I am perfectly suited for, and if I but had knees and I was fourteen I might well have found a stable and joined up.

Well, no.

But wouldn’t it be fun to see a fat snow white cracker lifting his leg up over his head and stomping out demons? Sure, there have been American sumo like Akebono, (No relation to sonnybono) but he was at least mostly Polynesian. I mean a guy like me who never leaves the house without long sleeves, who has skin like the underside of a channel cat, wearing a big Mawashi, my pimply buttcheeks on display for all to see.

The bleach is under the kitchen sink next to the window cleaner.