Neanderpundit

On a fine summer day some twenty five years ago, on our summer vacation, Dad and Calvin were fishing off a causeway on the East Fork Lake in Olney, Illinois.

Dad, who was a born and bred panfisherman, caught an overlarge bass almost totally by accident. having no idea what the regulations were, he asked Calvin “This a keeper, Calvin?” Calvin, ever the smartass, said “No, we usually throw ’em back till they get about twice that size”.

Later, cleaning fish in the backyard at Calvin’s place, Calvin said “let’s clean that bass you caught”. Dad, not to be outwiseasssed, had thrown it back. Calvin went apeshit. Dad laughed until he was out of breath.

Tonight at the theater I had to excuse myself to the mens room.

I felt the urge, so I had a seat.

And realized, I couldn’t shit.

Now, we all know that the most satisfying bowel movement is the one which arrives unbidden (when we are properly seated, of course) and those that require stress and strain are less than optimal.

Most of us know, also, that the most efficient prime mover is distraction. Be it the sunday paper, reader’s digest, or the latest Crichton novel, when we’re distracted, the mail moves along ever so much better. The office crapper has a secret stash of Penthouse magazines with trade magazine covers stapled theron.

So back to Harry Potter and the order… wait. Crapping- that was it. I sat on the john in the theater, and because I leave my Treo home when I go to the theater (unlike some other assholes) I realized I could not shit. Lacking anything to read, and the ability to play my favorite Treo games, I experienced blockage.

My god, I’m some kind of fucked up.

Good movie. Still, the formula is getting old. Happy to see it’s making JK some scratch. Very nice to see that an amusing, entertaining family film with moral values and no nudity or sex or language can get an audience.

The Oglet wanted to sit apart from mom and dad. Just so she could- you know- pretend she was all by herself. Of course she wanted us to sit right behind her. SO we wouldn’t be too far away.