Neanderpundit

All in all? Dibney is an immaculate place. Clean shaven kids in uniforms walk around the park all day with dustbins picking up errant gum wrappers. This is not to say you can’t find filth, in the corners and under tables in dining areas, where ducks gather looking for handouts, where squirrels and lizards scavenge discarded wrappers seeking traces of cold greasy french fries.

Agents who oppoose the Dibney empire are there daily sprinkling those areas of filth with traces of a powder called Musttouchuim, an element refined from the ore Attractolite. Musttouchium is one of the trans-300 elements like Illyrium, and it has a respectable half-life, so all day, all over Dibney, you can see toddlers queing up to touch areas of filth that disgust even the strongest stomach. They can’t help it, the all powerful magnetisim of musttouchuim drags their fingers to it as inexorably as a tornado to a trailer park, and they are powerless to resist. Thankfully, Dibney has plenty of washrooms.

For some reason, the enemies of Dibney also sprinkle musttouchium on the handrails and chains leading to rides. At that height, even teenagers are affected, because you regularly see older kids hanging on these rails and chains, and we often had to rescue the oglet from heeling over backwards while balanced on a chain. I have never met nor seen any of these enemy Dibney agents, but I suspect them to be employees of competing bemusement parks.

Having done this, with some measure of success, I can say there are some very simple ways to make your Dibney experience more enjoyable:

1: DO NOT BRING INFANTS IN ARMS. They don’t understand what the fuck is going on. At all. They think they’re at a very noisy mall. With parents who are cranky. They cannot ride the rides. They are frightened by the smelly characters dressed in smelly damp suits of polyester fur. Wait until the kids are ten. Or, at least 40″ tall, because that seems to be the magic number: 40″. Nearly all the rides, you have to be 40″ tall. Leave the short kids at home, or wait till they grow a bit.

2: Go cheap early. The “all star resorts” are under a hundred a night. You can stay in much nicer hotels, which you will not see except in the brief period between being at the parks and being asleep. The All Star resorts are clean and can be had cheap in the off season. Off season is best for a lot of reasons, not least of which is the hotel discount, and the lack of long ines in the park.

3: Go grocery shopping. You can get a room with a little fridge if you ask for it and you’ll want to have something to eat. Oh, there are huge cafeterias, and they have decent food; as long as you don’t mind dropping six bucks on a plate of eggs, or four bucks on a coke. Airport food is cheaper. On the other hand, if you don’t mind buying ahead of time, the meal plans can make a difference.

4: Comfortable shoes.
5: Comfortable shoes.
6: Did I mention that the food was expensive? I paid $16 for meatloaf. Meat. Loaf. Now, it was some mighty good meatloaf. But, still, it was meatloaf. Having a fridge full of snacks etc. in the room will save you hundreds of bucks,even if you just eat cereal in the room instead of $20 breakfasts in the cafeteria.
7: If you fly, take advantage of one of the bus services that get you there and back. If you drive, park your car at the hotel and take the busses back and forth between the parks. the buses are free, and they take you directly to the park entrance. If you feel the need to add a 2 mile walk at the beginning and end of your day in addition to the (average) seven miles you’ll walk in the park, that’s your perogative.
Which brings me to
8: Comfortable shoes. Did I mention you need comfortable shoes? Get yourself a pair of New Balance walking shoes. Make sure you walk at least two miles in them before you get to the parks so you know if there are any places that rub your feet wrong.
9: Dress well. The best solution seems to be shorts and a light shirt, preferably cotton. As I invariably dress like Johnny Cash, it was lost on me- but no matter how you dress you can find a place to cool down almost anywhere. \
10: Inclement weather.We had some rain sprinkles when we were there, and people alternately sweated and froze.People bought these transparent rain ponchos in the parks- you could get them anywhere- and they seemed to be a lot like wearing a full-body condom in comfort and style. Wait the rain out. At no point did the rain last more than 20 minutes, I was able to hang out in shops during that time with no trouble at all.

there are a lot more, but these are the principle ones at the moment.

Thankfully, Jenny stood me in good stead. I’m disapointed nobody stepped in to give HER some grief.

Thanks, Jenny, you’re a doll.

Now:

After a week in Dibneyworld, I have discovered a few things about physics, chemistry, and humans. I’ll elaborate later.

I’m pleased to see the arrival of The Gun Guy to my blogroll, I hope others are as well.

We were in Orlando during the passage of Rita. We were sprinkled on one day. Others will not be that lucky. Those in the path are in our thoughts and prayers.

I spent the last seven days disconnected completely from the outside world. I got some news from the tv at the hotel, but I only paid attention to the Rita coverage.

I read some bullshit at Mr Porretto’s blog on my phone one day, and it riled me so much I nearly threw the phone into the lake at Epcot center. Not what mr Porretto wrote, of course, but what he was writing about. Henceforth I left the phone in the room.

More later, as I get caught up. And at least one amusing Dibney crapblogging story.