Neanderpundit

is the name of a Penn Jillette show on Free FM. I was listening today, and as always on Tuesdays he asked for monkey stories.

I haven’t called in, but seeing Velociman’s propensity towards the smaller of the primates (and, of course, the pinker of them as well) I thought I’d relate this:

We had neighbors who had a capuchin monkey. When they went on vacation, I would sit it for them. You couldn’t let it out, or it would be all over the damned neighborhood, and probably get eaten by the first possum it got close to.

So I would take it it’s dinner every night, a half a cabbage, a handful of dry dog food, a couple of sticks of celery with peanut butter. I think the most fascinating thing to me, was the cigarette. The monkey liked to have a Pall mall after it’s dinner, and I was supposed to stay there until it finished so it didn’t set it’s own cage on fire. Of course I had to light it too.

So one night, (this was in my preteen years) I decided “I’m gonna smoke that Pall mall, and see what smoking is all about”. So i fed the monkey and started to smoke the butt. THe monkey stared at me for a minute, and started to raise such a ruckus I thought the neighborhood was going to come out in force, thinking I was murdering the little bastard.

meanwhile, I’m starting to get a bit green around the gills- I have also accidentally swallowed the couple flecks of tobacco that invariably come off the mouth end of an unfiltered smoke, and I’m caught up i such a moment of personal misery that I’m all but oblivious to the screeching of the monkey. Finally, just to quiet him down, I hand him the 1/4 smoked butt through the chicken wire and he grabs it and goes off to the corner to puff furiously away. For my part, I dropped to my knees and retched, though having not had dinner yet, I didn’t have much to discharge. Didn’t make it feel any better, as I salivated heavily, my body trying hard to reject the nicotine.

I finally stopped, fluids seeping from every part of my face, my cheeks red from retching and my eyes all but bleeding from the effort.

I sat down in the tall grass and stared at the monkey. It sat on it’s perch, it’s tail wrapped around a cage bar for balance, and stared at me, finishing it’s after dinner smoke. I grimaced as another convulsion made me shudder, and the monkey grinned, looking exactly like my cadaverous music teacher, mrs May. THe resemblance startled me, and as God is my witness, the little fucker flipped me off, and flicked the last ember of the butt at my head.

I kept feeding it, but we had reached an uneasy truce, and I never offered to be monkeysitter again.

I spent several weeks amid Mennonites many years back. THey have their own way, anmd while it’s not mine, I admire their singlemindedness. They have internal political struggles and stupidity like any other group- but as a whole, they are decent people.

I will be praying for those who lost and the lost ones to the best of my ability to do so.

In other news, today, just like every other day of the year, nine people, mostly children, drowned in swimming pools. No hue and cry has been raised for them, apparently because swimming pools do not frighten Feinstein et al.

It’s obvious that this election cycle the Demotards are engaged in their standard seminar activity, releasing a scandal about a conservative/republican every day or so, thinking it somehow weakens us.

Here’s a little concept that will put your finger a little closer to the clue button, you morons: At the first sign of any perception of impropriety, conservatives recuse themselves or resign. When they are “convicted” even if it’s only in the court of public opinion, they are already private citizens, for the most part. What is the net effect? the REMAINING republicans are strengthened, not weakened, you dumbasses. This tactic of running up behind the herd and attacking the weak has only made the herd stronger. Keep it up. And thanks.