Neanderpundit

he’s giving away free ice cream. it’s good ice cream, too. Damned good. Real good.

A lot of years ago, before I knew the Ogwife, I briefly dated a girl who worked at a customer- let’s call them XYZ company. Briefly, because at one point she cut the crotch out of my underwear with pinking shears- thankfully, not while I was wearing them. All men know that women who are slightly psychotic make for interesting experiences on both sides of the equation.

Yesterday morning I drove several hundred miles to visit ABC corporation, and as I approached, my heart began to sink. So I text my ersatz boss: “Hey, isn’t this XYZ corp?”

“Yeah, they changed to ABC corp three years back”

ouch.

Wonder if she still works there.

She does.

Turns out not only does she remember me but speaks of me often.

Double ouch.

I do manage to get through a whole day without coming into contact, and it’s tough because I’m there from nine Ayem to after eight peeyem, but I get through, and head home. So in memoriam to girlfriends old and paradise narrowly avoided, one of my favorite Junior Brown songs.

From the two girls at the next table, talking rather loudly:

“I just have no way of knowing when Bob is interested in having sex! he NEVER tells me, I have to GUESS!”

Look.

No, wait, listen.

Men- healthy men, that is, who aren’t in need of major surgery or a major league check-up from the neck-up, are created by God with a switch, a single switch, and it has two positions: Interested in sex, and interested in sex. God flips the switch to “interested in sex” and then he rips off the knob.

We may not act like we’re interested. We are. We may seem too busy/tired/preoccupied for sex; we are not. I have personally had sex with an actively bleeding headwound, I know at least two men who had sex after being shot, one while having the bullet removed. This may seem like an exaggeration; trust me, it is not. We don’t care if your hair is up or not, we don’t care if you smell nice or have your nice underwear on. Those things are nice, but they’re like icing on a cake- like cupcake icing on a layer cake the size of a glacier. Hygeine only matters where certain acts are concerned.

If you show up at our office and offer an act of sexual congress we will take the time off, if we are surgeons in the middle of an operation. If you grab the equipment you will find that it springs to attention immediately, if your mere presence does not cause it to do so already. If under the most ridiculous circumstances you let your interest be known, we will avail ourself of the opportunity at our earliest convenience.

I’m sure I do not speak for all men here; just the normal ones. The abnormal ones are a special case, and should be kept out back under a net.

Salmon swim up bear infested rivers to get to the place where they will spawn, and they die afterwards. Salmon are pikers. Remember this, ladies. No matter what a man is, if you understand the switch, you can do some pretty amazing things.