Neanderpundit

it will be because of lawn mowing.

Each time I mow the backyard, I try to climb the rider further and further up the slope. Which has, several times, nearly resulted in rolling the mower. Then, when I’m finished, I drive the mower back up the hill, which is extremely dangerous as the mower is not meant to handle that slope. I get off the mower at the bottom of the hill, and put it in gear, and stand on the hitch on the way up so if it rolls I can get out of the way. Then, at the top of the hill, I hop over the seat and sit back down. The trouble is, there’s no floor on the tractor, nor even steps, but just a couple of pegs vaguely reminiscent of long bolts. OK, they are long bolts. And one day, I’m sure, I’ll slip and my leg will slide down under the mower and I’ll end up being towed along behind, twisted and broken in fact as well as attitude. The neighbors, thankfully, have grown used to my gymnastics, inappropriate and uncoordinated as they can be, even for a fat 50 year old man.

The bottom having been taken care of, I next concentrate on pushmowing the slope, nearly impossible under the best of circumstances, but I’m never the best of circumstances. You have to mow it laterally, so you are at right angles to the slope; mowing up and then down is murderously difficult. Even mowing laterally you have to push sort of uphill to keep the whole works from tipping over, and yesterday, it did. I’m pushing and one of the rear wheels falls into a groundhog hole, and the mower starts to tip, and i slip on the slope, and the mower is wrenched from my grasp. No biggie, it starts to die as soon as I let go of the deadmam- and then it FLIPS OVER, AND LANDS ON THE DEADMAN, AND KEEPS RUNNING.

Now I’m on a (literally) slippery slope, two feet uphill of an upside down running pushmower. This is no time to dance.

I carefully slide off to one side and get downhill of it, and lift it up so it stops. Which takes a pretty long time, but now that I have lifted the handle the tires have contacted the ground, and now I’M DOWNHILL OF A STILL TURNING LAWNMOWER WHICH IS NOW CHASING ME DOWNHILL.

Maybe I need a condo. yeah, that’s it.

From that magical moment in the morning when I dropped the daughter off at school and handed her her first mortgage payment tuition check to give to the bursar, to the nice conversation I had with the police officer about the shape and color and purpose of stop signs, to the old machine that I got to bring back to life learning obsolete new and different technology to do, to the runaway drive that nearly caused some excitement when a 2200 psi burst strength hose got 3500 psi, making it the size and shape of an anaconda who just ate a volkswagon, to all the hundreds of thousands of nice folks I shared the road with on the way home, to the wonderful scenery I saw while sitting stopped in traffic liesurly driving home, I cannot imagine a better day.

On the other side, i ate Five Guy’s burgers last night. Not bad, but not as good as Schoops.

Says he thinks it’s logical to register guns, because the sex offender registry has worked so well. I can’t find the exact quote, but it’ll be around soon enough.

Discuss.

After you shoot something, of course.